Do You Have Challenging Children?

Do your children challenge you? Do they ask you to justify your demands? Do they spot any hint of hypocrisy in your rules and requests? Do they constantly ask ‘why’? As annoying as this is, having children who feel safe enough to challenge you may be a good thing – perhaps it’s even something you may want to encourage. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. I know this sounds a little crazy, but hear me out on this one. Most parents want their children to be obedient. When they do as we say, life is good. Parenting is uncomplicated. Things get done quickly and with a minimum of fuss. Yet, nearly every parent I have discussed this with is quick to assert that they want their children to think for themselves. Parents routinely agree with the idea that their children should grow up to be adults who develop sound moral reasoning, are bold enough to challenge things they see that are wrong, and who question the status quo. It seems that we have incongruent goals in this regard. We want children who listen; children who do as they are told. We expect obedience to directions, and compliance with social and family norms. But we want our children to be independent thinkers. We don’t want them to follow the crowd. Some of you are probably reading this and wondering, “Is there such a thing as a child who doesn’t challenge you?” That’s a fair question. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. 

When we teach our children to challenge us, we actually encourage their questions. We enthusiastically turn towards them and focus on teaching them when they resist our requests. When they demand to know "why?" we work with them to develop their understanding. 

"Why do I have to wear my seatbelt?" 

"Why do I have to tidy my room?" 

"Why do I have to eat my vegetables, or do my school project, or...?" 

As our children challenge our authority we can respond by firstly acknowledging their feelings. Second, we can ask them why they think it might be important. In so doing, there may be one of two outcomes. Either we help them learn why our request matters, or we see that our request was not necessarily a fair or reasonable one. Then we can patiently teach them. 

As a comparison, if a child is repeatedly told, 

 “Don’t backchat me! Do it because I told you to do it” 

then we are shutting down their challenge. We are using our power to dictate their behaviour. We are teaching them that the person with the power is always right... and that can be bad down the track. Here’s why: 

 In what has become a psychology classic, a researcher named Milgram conducted a study (in 1961) to see how obedient people might be to an authority figure. Milgram advertised for members of the public to participate in a study about learning. They were taken into the lab where they waited with another ‘participant’ for the study to start. What they didn’t realise was that the other participant was actually a confederate. He was in cahoots with the researcher and they were about to play a pretty nasty trick on the unsuspecting member of the public. 

Each of the two participants was asked to draw a piece of paper out of a hat. One participant was to be a ‘learner’ and the other was a ‘teacher’. (Both pieces actually said ‘teacher’, but the confederate lied and said he had selected ‘learner’.) The unsuspecting participant (now the ‘teacher’) was told that she or he would be conducting a learning experiment. The teacher would read a list of word pairs. The learner would listen to them all, and then be tested on those pairs. If the learner made a mistake during the testing phase, the teacher would be required to give the learner an electric shock. Each wrong question meant a shock would be administered. The teacher and learner were told they could withdraw from the study at any time. 

The learner was taken into a room and plugged into a machine. The teacher watched this happen, then went to another room to begin the experiment. 

Soon mistakes started. The teacher was required to ZAP the learner each time – and each time, the voltage got more intense. The learner would cry out in pain. Soon he was screaming to be let out, and then he started complaining that the shocks were affecting his heart. All the while, the teacher would continue with the shocks when wrong answers were given. In Milgram's original study in 1961, in approximately 65% of cases teachers kept shocking learners up until there were no more responses – and then kept going! It continued until 450 volts. (In the 2009 replication of the experiment below, 75% of participants went all the way). 

These were ordinary people. Good people. Business people. Parents. They were like you and I. They regularly asked the experimenter if they could please stop. They begged on behalf of the learner. The experimenter would simply say, “Please continue.” Or “The experiment requires that you continue.” Or "It is essential that you go on."

Who's a Bad Parent Anyway?

"Great parenting!"

That was the sarcastic insult that was thrown at me a few days ago by a stranger as I drove past him, ever so slowly, with my four, eight, and nine year-olds hanging off the side of our car. I'm still angry about it. When it happened I was so mad that I stopped my car, got out, and walked after him, letting him know how I felt about his comment. I'm not proud of my response. I shouldn't have done it - especially not in front of the kids. I'll explain what happened in just a second, but first, a quick point about parenting - bad parenting in particular.

Some days we're simply not in the mood for it...We have a bad parent kind of day. Most parents I know have had our moments. Some days we're simply not in the mood for it. We snap at the kids. We make impatient demands. We have a bad parent kind of day. No one is harder on ourselves than we are. We know how we want to be as parents. We try to act in accordance with our values. We remember the promises we made, either silently and privately, or openly in celebration of the birth of our kids. We were going to be great parents! We were going to be kind, loving, compassionate, available, engaged, and mindful. But some days we just don't get there. We find it impossible to measure up to our lofty standards of parenting perfection.

As much as we beat ourselves up for it, even berate ourselves, sometimes we might do well to give ourselves a break.

Is it ideal that we fall short? No, not at all.

Can we do better? Generally, yes... and we should.

But as we all know, some days are better than others. What matters most is that our kids know that most of the time we are good, we can be relied upon, and that even when we're having a lousy day, we still love them.

Which is why what happened to me the other day got me so mad. I was actually being a good parent! Or so I thought. (I'm the damn parenting expert - I think I'd have a good idea of when I'm getting it right).

Last weekend we went on a family camp for a couple of nights. We were in a lovely valley where horse riding is the main attraction. In addition to people who camp there, lots of day visitors come in to ride the 200 horses that graze on the property.

After enjoying a beautiful day riding horses, playing games, and being together, I told the kids to jump onto the side of our car (we have a 4WD). They stood on the step below the doors, reached into the windows, held on tight, and squealed with delight as I drove along the track and through a paddock. As we drove past a young-ish couple who were walking their horses, the guy stared at me, called me an insulting name and said, "Great parenting."

Perhaps I'm a bit precious about people's evaluations of my parenting. But to me, I was being a great dad. The kids were laughing and having fun. We were being safe, or at least I thought we were. Everything was great. I wasn't shouting, hitting, or demeaning my kids. We were having a good parenting day.

So was I wrong? If anything, I went wrong the moment I let him get to me. I became a bad dad when I over-reacted to his sarcastic barb. But was I being a bad dad? Or does he need to get a grip? And when have you felt judged as a parent?

The Relationship Between How You Feel as a Parent and What you Do as a Parent

If you were asked how your emotions influence your behaviour as a parent, do you think you would be able to say that you manage to treat your children the way they ought to be treated even when you're not in the mood for it? A recent analysis of over 60 studies that considered parent's feelings and behaviours suggests that how we feel makes a significant impact on how we behave towards our children.

Specifically, the researchers found that parents who are experiencing negative emotions tend to be harsh toward their children. Their parenting practices are negative and lacking in warmth. Instead, their negative mood leads them to be inclined to anger and even hostility. Negative feelings provoked reactive parenting practices. This is somewhat intuitive, of course. When you feel anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, or irritation it is hard to be composed, calm, and thoughtful about ideal ways to deal with your children. To the contrary, chances are that your responses would likely involve intrusion into the child’s activities, physical or psychological punishment, or expressed irritation.

The researchers also confirmed that positive parental emotions were associated with social engagement with children, and expressions of warmth. In short, feeling good encourages parents to be involved in positive ways with their children, develop relationships, and express love. It is important to note that the strength of the relationship between negative feelings and negative behaviour was much greater than the relationship between positive feelings and positive behaviour. This means that feeling bad is almost certain to impact negatively on how we parent, whereas feeling good has a relationship with positive parenting, but it does not ensure that we will behave positively.

In short, this study is a great reminder that we, as parents, should be aware of our feelings and how they can impact on our parenting. If we're feeling good, GREAT! Enjoy being with the children, express that warmth and love, and engage with them. If we're feeling bad, the research (and our own experience) warn us that we should avoid our children as much as possible until we've regained some kind of control over our emotions. Otherwise we may end up doing and saying things we might regret. What not to do - Don't think that talking about your anger will help. It won't. Instead it will only exacerbate it.

Here are 3 great tips for turning those negative emotions around :

1. Acknowledge that you are feeling lousy. Recognise the source of the emotion if you know it. And accept it. By allowing yourself to experience the emotion safely and without the kids around you are more likely to work your way through it quickly and effectively, thus regulating your emotions that much faster. This mindfulness and acceptance is empirically shown to assist in emotional regulation.

2. Walk. There seems to be nothing that a good walk can't fix! Seriously. Ten minutes walking outside - especially if you can immerse yourself in the amazing wonders of the world - can make a significant difference. Research shows that exercise, even in small doses, can make a significant difference to the emotions we experience - for good.

3. Gratitude exercises. Immediately begin to count your blessings. "I'm grateful that I got that parking ticket. It means I'm better off than more than half the world's population because I have a car." Or "I'm grateful that my children are back-chatting me and refusing to tidy up their rooms. It means they have wonderful advanced powers of reasoning and we are in a privileged position to have a roof over our heads, money for games and clothes, and so on." It sounds cheesy, but there is SO MUCH evidence that this can make a difference that I have to recommend it.

There is a very real, very powerful relationship between how you feel and what you do as a parent. Intuition suggests it. A recent study, reviewing 63 empirical research articles confirms it. Negative emotions are toxic for your relationships with your children. Positive emotions can make a genuine difference for your family. Celebrate the positive!

How Controlling Your Kids Can Backfire

What if I told you I could bring peace to your household? What if I said there was just one thing you need to do to get your child/teenager/husband/ to do what you wanted? 

I could offer you the sugar-coated version where you would promise goodies like gold stars, financial incentives, praise, or other rewards for getting people to do the things you want them to do. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.” 

 Then there’s the negative control. You use threats, punishment, time-out, or aggression to demand compliance. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.” They’re the same thing – using our power to make someone comply with our wishes. The problem is that people don’t like being told what to do, no matter how good and worthwhile it may be. The law of physics applies in relationships too – Force creates resistance. Say for example a mother wants her child to learn the piano (because that’s what she was taught for two years as a child. Of course, she hated it back then and was miserable about it, but with hindsight she wishes that she’d stuck with it). 

The child starts lessons enthusiastically, but within a month or two the daily practice overrides the initial enthusiasm. The child refuses to practise. Predictably, the mother starts to use power to bribe, demand, threaten, and ultimately force the child to do something he or she simply does not want to do! 

The harder we push someone to do something they don’t want to do, the more likely it is that they’ll push back and insist that you can’t make them do anything. Invariably this leads to problems such as: 

• The person will only act the ‘right’ way when the person who holds the power is in the room. 
• Kids whose parents use power-based strategies at home to force compliance are much more likely to be bullies, using these same strategies to force compliance in the schoolyard. 
• An inability to regulate and control emotions. 
• Self esteem/Self worth issues. When people are only rewarded for doing things that someone else deems worthy they may question whether they’re worthy at times when rewards aren’t forthcoming. 

In fact one of the greatest predictors of burnout in the workplace is not too much work. It’s a sense that the employee has no control over what is happening. But there is a third alternative: a way of guiding people towards doing the right things but for the right reasons. When we use ‘controlling’ techniques we ‘do things’ to people to ‘make’ them do what we want - the alternative is to work with people by trying to understand their motivation and then explaining why we’re asking for a change – and leaving it up to their good judgement to make that change. 

For example my 11 year-old daughter was recently listening to a song that contained material my wife and I found offensive. It dealt with sexualisation of women, describing them as objects to satisfy a man and nothing more. If I were to use control to stop her listening I would have bribed or threatened her. My demands that she not listen to that music would have been met with resistance or it would have pushed the music listening ‘underground’. Instead we talked about the song, why she liked it (catchy tune, all her friends sing it) and its content. We discussed values that mattered to all of us as a family. At the conclusion of our discussion our daughter said, “I’m going to have to delete lots of songs from my playlist.” 

At no time was she asked to do that. She chose to do it autonomously. My wife and I had listened to her, we explained our reasons and she made the decision. Decades of research shows that if the relationship matters more than the outcome, the use of ‘control’ (whether negative or positive) is far less effective than autonomy supportive practices. 

In spite of the research, many parents, bosses, and teachers feel like if they don’t remain in control it will all fall apart but forcing people to do things creates resistance and leads to anger and deception. It ignores the person's personal values and desires and it explicitly or implicitly threatens punishment. Even greater than that: it jeopardises relationships. 

Certainly food for thought when you want to get people on your side. Do you use a reward and punishment system, threaten (even covertly) your children or your colleagues or do you allow other people to find their way as you guide them toward your ideas? How do you get people to come around? 

Kids with Dad do Better - New Study

I received the following information about a new study from a guy who's list I subscribe to, Ken Pope. Some terrific information in here about how kids with Dad around do better behaviourally and cognitively. The new issue of Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science/Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement (vol. 43, #3, July) includes a study: 

"Fathers' Influence on Children's Cognitive and Behavioural Functioning: A Longitudinal Study of Canadian Families." The authors are Erin Pougnet , Lisa A. Serbin, Dale M. Stack, and Alex E. Schwartzman. One type of family that is becoming increasingly common in North America is the family headed by a single mother. In 2006, approximately 13% of Canadian families and 22% of families in Québec included biological fathers who lived apart from their children (Statistics Canada, 2007a). 

In general, studies outside of Canada have demonstrated that fathers' presence in their children's homes and parenting are positively associated with children's cognitive outcomes across time, even after controlling for various demographic and socioeconomic factors (for review, see Allen & Daly, 2002). The majority of the recent fathering research has been conducted with preschool-aged children. For example, a study conducted in the United States by Ryan, Martin, and Brooks-Gunn (2006) found that children who lived with two highly supportive parents at 2-years-old had higher cognitive and language development at 3 years of age than children who lived with one or no supportive parents after controlling for socio-economic statuts. 

Studies conducted with the older offspring of absent fathers have supported these findings. For example, a study conducted in the United States indicated that children whose fathers lived with them full-time had higher scores on reading and math tests than children whose fathers did not live with them (Teachman, Day, Paasch, Carver, & Call, 1998). 

Moreover, paternal parenting has been shown to be positively associated with children's cognitive outcomes for different age groups (Bronte-Tinkew, Carrano, Horowitz, & Kinukawa, 2008; Fagan & Iglesias, 1999). For example, one study found that fathers' supportiveness when children were 2-years-old was associated with children's intellectual functioning scores at 2- and 3-years-old (Cabrera, Shannon, &; Tamis-LeMonda, 2007). Another study found that paternal warmth when children were 12-years-old was a predictor of school achievement two years later; this remained true after controlling for the effect of maternal warmth (Chen, Liu, & Li, 2000). 

 In general, research has indicated that children who experience fathers' absence from the home at various points during childhood are more likely than other children to display internalizing problems, such as sadness, social withdrawal, and anxiety, as well as externalizing problems, such as aggression, impulsivity, and hyperactivity (Amato & Gilbreth, 1999; Carlson, 2006; Demuth &; Brown, 2004). One study that was conducted in the United States found that children with absent fathers displayed more antisocial behaviour than children whose fathers were present in their home, even after controlling for the effects of paternal antisocial behaviour, socio-economic status, and presence of stepfathers (Pfiffner, McBurnett, & Rathouz, 2001). 

Results 

Overall, the results from this study indicated that fathers' presence in middle childhood predicted cognitive and behavioural outcomes later on in development. This was illustrated utilizing a prospective methodology with a culturally and linguistically distinct longitudinal sample of socioeconomically at-risk families, and after accounting for such potentially confounding factors as annual family income, the quality of the home environment, parental educational attainment, and couple conflict. 

The results indicated that for girls only, fathers' presence in middle childhood predicted fewer internalizing problems in preadolescence. 

For both boys and girls, fathers' positive parental control predicted higher Performance IQ and fewer internalizing problems over six years later. 

These findings add to the increasing body of literature suggesting that fathers make important contributions to their children's cognitive and behavioural functioning, and point to the benefits of developing policies that encourage fathers to spend time with their children (i.e., parental leave for men) and promote positive fathering and involvement through parenting courses.

Expecting Too Much of Our Kids?

Sometimes there can be a wide discrepancy between what children value and what their parents’ value.

While parents are concerned with tidiness, children seem oblivious to mess.

While parents pester their children about punctuality, children seem blissfully unaware of time constraints. While parents want children in bed and sleeping by 8pm (or whatever time works for you) so they can have some quiet time and still get enough sleep, children are obsessed with pushing bedtime boundaries.

While parents often seek peace and quiet, noise and activity are the outcome of most of what our children want to do.

Last week, Miss 7 (child number three in the Happy Families House) went on an excursion. Knowing that Miss 7 gets carried away in the moment, I was very clear with her. I asked, “What do you need to do with your jacket today?” Her reply was perfect: “Put it in my bag dad.” I checked and re-checked that she would remember. Apparently she did remember to put her jacket in her bag. However, she left her bag on the FERRY.

That bag had her school jacket ($60), her Tupperware lunchbox (I know, it should never have gone! $30), and there was the bag itself ($20) plus whatever goodies she had put into it. But, is it expecting too much of Miss 7 to think she can remember her bag when she’s catching ferries across Sydney Harbour, staring at the Opera House, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and more? And then she’s visiting the lions and elephants and ... all of those exciting things can be a lot to take in for a little girl. It’s true that nearly every other child came home with the same school bag they had gone on the excursion with. So I find myself wondering if my expectations were too high, or if I’m justified in being upset. As soon as I start to get angry at her, I recall that when I was in school I lost several clothing items, bags, sports accessories, and so on. And I did so at much older ages. Did my parents get upset with me? Yes. Did I remember things better as a result? No. While we love our children, and cherish their gorgeous personalities and energy, it can be easy to forget how precious they are to us. It can also be hard to remember that they are human – just like us. And the last time I checked, none of the humans I know were perfect either.

Just like you and I, our children’s actions, emotions, and words become quite inconvenient. (Have you ever spoken to someone who felt you were being inconvenient? Or have you behaved in a way that was inconvenient to another person?) It’s at that point - when we become annoyed, inconvenienced, or just plain angry at our children - that our expectations start to get too high. We forget that they’re people. Imperfect people who are here to learn from us. We walk into a messy bedroom and shout, “What has been going on in here? It looks like a bomb has gone off!”

Our demands are endless. “Kids, be quiet. Hurry up. Tidy up. Do your practice. Get out the door. Stay in your room. How many times do I have to tell you?” A favourite author of mine, Alfie Kohn, calls it “my mother’s in my larynx.”

Have you ever stopped and counted the number of demands you make on your children? How about the tone of your demands?

Imagine if your boss pestered you, nagged you, made demands on you, and had expectations of you to the same degree that you do your children... how long would you stay in his/her employment? My guess... not long.

Here are some handy hints to remember when our children choose not to listen, or forget something, or make too much noise, or mess, or...

1. What is an appropriate developmental expectation? For example, research shows that children will be forgetful and lack real responsibility until around age eight. And they won’t take any thought about the messiness of their room (generally) until age twelve. 
2. Are we expecting them to be perfect? 
3. How is our reaction to their imperfections and inconvenience modelling a good, fair, and even-handed approach for them to emulate when things go wrong? 

Children need us to be less critical. They need less judgement. While they need responsibilities and limits, they also need us to be models, and they need our acceptance in spite of their imperfections.

What do you think... How much should we expect of our children?

The Most Important Thing

My 7 year-old daughter, Ella, approached my wife last week.

"Mum, will you come to my class and tell everyone what you do for work?"

Ella's class is learning about occupations. The teacher has suggested that parents attend the class and discuss their work with the children. Ella wanted Kylie (my wife) to share what it is that she does each day with her classmates.

Kylie is a mum. And a pretty amazing one too!

But Kylie was concerned about how she would approach this assignment. She indicated that her role including being a finance expert (for the budget), a lawyer and judge (for dealing with conflict between family members from time to time), a taxi-driver, a cleaner, a chef, and so on. Kylie developed a wonderful and creative list detailing all of the roles she had to be competent in as a mother.

After thinking for some time, Kylie asked me what I think the most important thing might be for a mum to do. She shared her expansive list with me. Within milliseconds I had my ready response.

 I suggested that more than anything at all, children need a mother (and a father) who are ALWAYS there for them, and who will love them no matter what. I told Kylie that the best way we can show our love is to be available to our children - particularly when they are emotional. As if to provide supporting evidence, the next morning Kylie asked Ella (Miss 7), "What do you like doing most with mum?"

Ella gazed at her mum and softly replied, "I don't really care what I do with you. I just like to spend time with you."

"Doing what, though?" Kylie questioned.

"Doesn't matter. I just like to be with you."

Kids don't need fancy treats, holidays, toys, and doodads. They just need a mum and dad to be there for them, and to love them like crazy. That's the most important thing.