The Relationship Between How You Feel as a Parent and What you Do as a Parent

If you were asked how your emotions influence your behaviour as a parent, do you think you would be able to say that you manage to treat your children the way they ought to be treated even when you're not in the mood for it? A recent analysis of over 60 studies that considered parent's feelings and behaviours suggests that how we feel makes a significant impact on how we behave towards our children.

Specifically, the researchers found that parents who are experiencing negative emotions tend to be harsh toward their children. Their parenting practices are negative and lacking in warmth. Instead, their negative mood leads them to be inclined to anger and even hostility. Negative feelings provoked reactive parenting practices. This is somewhat intuitive, of course. When you feel anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, or irritation it is hard to be composed, calm, and thoughtful about ideal ways to deal with your children. To the contrary, chances are that your responses would likely involve intrusion into the child’s activities, physical or psychological punishment, or expressed irritation.

The researchers also confirmed that positive parental emotions were associated with social engagement with children, and expressions of warmth. In short, feeling good encourages parents to be involved in positive ways with their children, develop relationships, and express love. It is important to note that the strength of the relationship between negative feelings and negative behaviour was much greater than the relationship between positive feelings and positive behaviour. This means that feeling bad is almost certain to impact negatively on how we parent, whereas feeling good has a relationship with positive parenting, but it does not ensure that we will behave positively.

In short, this study is a great reminder that we, as parents, should be aware of our feelings and how they can impact on our parenting. If we're feeling good, GREAT! Enjoy being with the children, express that warmth and love, and engage with them. If we're feeling bad, the research (and our own experience) warn us that we should avoid our children as much as possible until we've regained some kind of control over our emotions. Otherwise we may end up doing and saying things we might regret. What not to do - Don't think that talking about your anger will help. It won't. Instead it will only exacerbate it.

Here are 3 great tips for turning those negative emotions around :

1. Acknowledge that you are feeling lousy. Recognise the source of the emotion if you know it. And accept it. By allowing yourself to experience the emotion safely and without the kids around you are more likely to work your way through it quickly and effectively, thus regulating your emotions that much faster. This mindfulness and acceptance is empirically shown to assist in emotional regulation.

2. Walk. There seems to be nothing that a good walk can't fix! Seriously. Ten minutes walking outside - especially if you can immerse yourself in the amazing wonders of the world - can make a significant difference. Research shows that exercise, even in small doses, can make a significant difference to the emotions we experience - for good.

3. Gratitude exercises. Immediately begin to count your blessings. "I'm grateful that I got that parking ticket. It means I'm better off than more than half the world's population because I have a car." Or "I'm grateful that my children are back-chatting me and refusing to tidy up their rooms. It means they have wonderful advanced powers of reasoning and we are in a privileged position to have a roof over our heads, money for games and clothes, and so on." It sounds cheesy, but there is SO MUCH evidence that this can make a difference that I have to recommend it.

There is a very real, very powerful relationship between how you feel and what you do as a parent. Intuition suggests it. A recent study, reviewing 63 empirical research articles confirms it. Negative emotions are toxic for your relationships with your children. Positive emotions can make a genuine difference for your family. Celebrate the positive!