Resource Depletion For Parents

The white bear phenomenon is related to our mental resources and how we control them. In a series of experiments, a researcher asked two groups of participants to think about things - pretty much anything - for five minutes. One group of participants was specifically instructed to think about whatever they wanted - even white bears, should they come to mind. The other group of participants was told they could think about whatever they wanted to, but they were not to think about white bears. Both groups were then instructed that if they did happen to think about a white bear, they should make a note of it each time it happened. An interesting thing happened. Participants who were not allowed to think about white bears during that five minute period actually did think about white bears. And they thought about them more than the participants who were allowed to think about them!

Here's the kicker though:

Participants who were not supposed to think about white bears not only thought about them more during the five minute period. They also experienced intrusive thoughts of white bears for the next several minutes after the five minute period was up. It seemed that once the suppression period was over, those people relaxed their mind, and there was a flood of white bears! In psychological terms, they experienced a post-suppressional rebound. In a workshop that I run, I do this same experiment - live... but with a slight variation. Half of the room gets one set of instructions, and the other half the room gets different instructions. They just don't know it. On a piece of paper, half of the room are asked not to think about white bears while the other half is allowed to. As in the experiment, each side documents the number of times those thoughts pop up. The people who are not supposed to think about white bears generally think about them more, or at least the same number of times as those who can think about whatever they want. I then tell participants that we'll talk about that little activity later. As I'm talking, I walk around the room and place bowls of lollies on their tables. They don't know this, but I've counted how many lollies are in those bowls! Around ten minutes later I ask the participants to count the number of lollies in their bowls. Without exception, the group that was not allowed to think about white bears always eats more lollies - significantly more - than the group that was allowed to think about them!

Why?

When we force our brain to not think about something (even though we actually really struggle to do that), we deplete ourselves of resources. Our mental/cognitive resources are used up trying to push the thoughts away in exactly the same way that our muscles get tired when we hold a child for a long time. This resource depletion seems to weaken us mentally, and our resistance to other things (like more thoughts of white bears, or a bowl of lollies) is reduced.

What has this got to do with parents?

As the day wears on, we encounter challenges, difficulties, and all of the regular dramas of life. Of course, some days are easier than others, but we generally get reasonably worn down by the end of the day.

Have you ever noticed that you are not at your best at dinner time?

As the day goes on, and as the challenges of the day hit us, our resources become depleted. Our stamina and willpower are not as strong as they were earlier, when we were less tired. Whereas earlier in the day we might have been capable of responding well to our children, the ongoing effort to be civil reduces our capacity to remain civil over time. So we become snappy at the children, impatient with distractions, angry when things don't go our way. We probably would have handled those things better a few hours ago, but by day's end, we're ready to crack! If it has been a particularly difficult day, the psychological resource depletion can begin much earlier. Worse still - when we realise this and try our hardest to be at our best, we may succeed briefly, but if we don't really get ourselves rejuvenated, there can often be a rebound. We are tired, we get cranky. Then we resolve to be better. We are kind and patient and it takes all of our effort.We start to relax because we think we're doing well and then... POP! Like a balloon we explode when we're pricked at just the wrong time.

So how do we avoid resource depletion and post-suppressional rebound?

The first thing we might try, if we have the time and resources, is to give ourselves a twenty minute holiday. Find a quiet place. Take your mind to somewhere that feels peaceful and rejuvenating, and live there for 20 minutes. Perhaps there is something you are looking forward to, or something you are particularly grateful for. This kind of a mental holiday can be restorative, and may re-stock your psychological store cupboard.

Second, it can be helpful for some people to focus on really being present. This means being entirely centred on what is happening right in front of us, and letting go of judgment and thoughts about anything that has happened previously, or anything happening right now.

Third, when we are really stressed, tired, or depleted, sometimes it can be best to simply acknowledge it. Tell the family that you are not at your best. Ask for their patience. Then lower your expectations, buy some dinner (rather than cooking it), and give yourself an easy night.