Do You Have Challenging Children?

Do your children challenge you? Do they ask you to justify your demands? Do they spot any hint of hypocrisy in your rules and requests? Do they constantly ask ‘why’? As annoying as this is, having children who feel safe enough to challenge you may be a good thing – perhaps it’s even something you may want to encourage. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. I know this sounds a little crazy, but hear me out on this one. Most parents want their children to be obedient. When they do as we say, life is good. Parenting is uncomplicated. Things get done quickly and with a minimum of fuss. Yet, nearly every parent I have discussed this with is quick to assert that they want their children to think for themselves. Parents routinely agree with the idea that their children should grow up to be adults who develop sound moral reasoning, are bold enough to challenge things they see that are wrong, and who question the status quo. It seems that we have incongruent goals in this regard. We want children who listen; children who do as they are told. We expect obedience to directions, and compliance with social and family norms. But we want our children to be independent thinkers. We don’t want them to follow the crowd. Some of you are probably reading this and wondering, “Is there such a thing as a child who doesn’t challenge you?” That’s a fair question. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. 

When we teach our children to challenge us, we actually encourage their questions. We enthusiastically turn towards them and focus on teaching them when they resist our requests. When they demand to know "why?" we work with them to develop their understanding. 

"Why do I have to wear my seatbelt?" 

"Why do I have to tidy my room?" 

"Why do I have to eat my vegetables, or do my school project, or...?" 

As our children challenge our authority we can respond by firstly acknowledging their feelings. Second, we can ask them why they think it might be important. In so doing, there may be one of two outcomes. Either we help them learn why our request matters, or we see that our request was not necessarily a fair or reasonable one. Then we can patiently teach them. 

As a comparison, if a child is repeatedly told, 

 “Don’t backchat me! Do it because I told you to do it” 

then we are shutting down their challenge. We are using our power to dictate their behaviour. We are teaching them that the person with the power is always right... and that can be bad down the track. Here’s why: 

 In what has become a psychology classic, a researcher named Milgram conducted a study (in 1961) to see how obedient people might be to an authority figure. Milgram advertised for members of the public to participate in a study about learning. They were taken into the lab where they waited with another ‘participant’ for the study to start. What they didn’t realise was that the other participant was actually a confederate. He was in cahoots with the researcher and they were about to play a pretty nasty trick on the unsuspecting member of the public. 

Each of the two participants was asked to draw a piece of paper out of a hat. One participant was to be a ‘learner’ and the other was a ‘teacher’. (Both pieces actually said ‘teacher’, but the confederate lied and said he had selected ‘learner’.) The unsuspecting participant (now the ‘teacher’) was told that she or he would be conducting a learning experiment. The teacher would read a list of word pairs. The learner would listen to them all, and then be tested on those pairs. If the learner made a mistake during the testing phase, the teacher would be required to give the learner an electric shock. Each wrong question meant a shock would be administered. The teacher and learner were told they could withdraw from the study at any time. 

The learner was taken into a room and plugged into a machine. The teacher watched this happen, then went to another room to begin the experiment. 

Soon mistakes started. The teacher was required to ZAP the learner each time – and each time, the voltage got more intense. The learner would cry out in pain. Soon he was screaming to be let out, and then he started complaining that the shocks were affecting his heart. All the while, the teacher would continue with the shocks when wrong answers were given. In Milgram's original study in 1961, in approximately 65% of cases teachers kept shocking learners up until there were no more responses – and then kept going! It continued until 450 volts. (In the 2009 replication of the experiment below, 75% of participants went all the way). 

These were ordinary people. Good people. Business people. Parents. They were like you and I. They regularly asked the experimenter if they could please stop. They begged on behalf of the learner. The experimenter would simply say, “Please continue.” Or “The experiment requires that you continue.” Or "It is essential that you go on."