Do You Have Challenging Children?

Do your children challenge you? Do they ask you to justify your demands? Do they spot any hint of hypocrisy in your rules and requests? Do they constantly ask ‘why’? As annoying as this is, having children who feel safe enough to challenge you may be a good thing – perhaps it’s even something you may want to encourage. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. I know this sounds a little crazy, but hear me out on this one. Most parents want their children to be obedient. When they do as we say, life is good. Parenting is uncomplicated. Things get done quickly and with a minimum of fuss. Yet, nearly every parent I have discussed this with is quick to assert that they want their children to think for themselves. Parents routinely agree with the idea that their children should grow up to be adults who develop sound moral reasoning, are bold enough to challenge things they see that are wrong, and who question the status quo. It seems that we have incongruent goals in this regard. We want children who listen; children who do as they are told. We expect obedience to directions, and compliance with social and family norms. But we want our children to be independent thinkers. We don’t want them to follow the crowd. Some of you are probably reading this and wondering, “Is there such a thing as a child who doesn’t challenge you?” That’s a fair question. Most kids will challenge us. The real issue is how we respond to that challenge, and how it affects our child. 

When we teach our children to challenge us, we actually encourage their questions. We enthusiastically turn towards them and focus on teaching them when they resist our requests. When they demand to know "why?" we work with them to develop their understanding. 

"Why do I have to wear my seatbelt?" 

"Why do I have to tidy my room?" 

"Why do I have to eat my vegetables, or do my school project, or...?" 

As our children challenge our authority we can respond by firstly acknowledging their feelings. Second, we can ask them why they think it might be important. In so doing, there may be one of two outcomes. Either we help them learn why our request matters, or we see that our request was not necessarily a fair or reasonable one. Then we can patiently teach them. 

As a comparison, if a child is repeatedly told, 

 “Don’t backchat me! Do it because I told you to do it” 

then we are shutting down their challenge. We are using our power to dictate their behaviour. We are teaching them that the person with the power is always right... and that can be bad down the track. Here’s why: 

 In what has become a psychology classic, a researcher named Milgram conducted a study (in 1961) to see how obedient people might be to an authority figure. Milgram advertised for members of the public to participate in a study about learning. They were taken into the lab where they waited with another ‘participant’ for the study to start. What they didn’t realise was that the other participant was actually a confederate. He was in cahoots with the researcher and they were about to play a pretty nasty trick on the unsuspecting member of the public. 

Each of the two participants was asked to draw a piece of paper out of a hat. One participant was to be a ‘learner’ and the other was a ‘teacher’. (Both pieces actually said ‘teacher’, but the confederate lied and said he had selected ‘learner’.) The unsuspecting participant (now the ‘teacher’) was told that she or he would be conducting a learning experiment. The teacher would read a list of word pairs. The learner would listen to them all, and then be tested on those pairs. If the learner made a mistake during the testing phase, the teacher would be required to give the learner an electric shock. Each wrong question meant a shock would be administered. The teacher and learner were told they could withdraw from the study at any time. 

The learner was taken into a room and plugged into a machine. The teacher watched this happen, then went to another room to begin the experiment. 

Soon mistakes started. The teacher was required to ZAP the learner each time – and each time, the voltage got more intense. The learner would cry out in pain. Soon he was screaming to be let out, and then he started complaining that the shocks were affecting his heart. All the while, the teacher would continue with the shocks when wrong answers were given. In Milgram's original study in 1961, in approximately 65% of cases teachers kept shocking learners up until there were no more responses – and then kept going! It continued until 450 volts. (In the 2009 replication of the experiment below, 75% of participants went all the way). 

These were ordinary people. Good people. Business people. Parents. They were like you and I. They regularly asked the experimenter if they could please stop. They begged on behalf of the learner. The experimenter would simply say, “Please continue.” Or “The experiment requires that you continue.” Or "It is essential that you go on."

Who's a Bad Parent Anyway?

"Great parenting!"

That was the sarcastic insult that was thrown at me a few days ago by a stranger as I drove past him, ever so slowly, with my four, eight, and nine year-olds hanging off the side of our car. I'm still angry about it. When it happened I was so mad that I stopped my car, got out, and walked after him, letting him know how I felt about his comment. I'm not proud of my response. I shouldn't have done it - especially not in front of the kids. I'll explain what happened in just a second, but first, a quick point about parenting - bad parenting in particular.

Some days we're simply not in the mood for it...We have a bad parent kind of day. Most parents I know have had our moments. Some days we're simply not in the mood for it. We snap at the kids. We make impatient demands. We have a bad parent kind of day. No one is harder on ourselves than we are. We know how we want to be as parents. We try to act in accordance with our values. We remember the promises we made, either silently and privately, or openly in celebration of the birth of our kids. We were going to be great parents! We were going to be kind, loving, compassionate, available, engaged, and mindful. But some days we just don't get there. We find it impossible to measure up to our lofty standards of parenting perfection.

As much as we beat ourselves up for it, even berate ourselves, sometimes we might do well to give ourselves a break.

Is it ideal that we fall short? No, not at all.

Can we do better? Generally, yes... and we should.

But as we all know, some days are better than others. What matters most is that our kids know that most of the time we are good, we can be relied upon, and that even when we're having a lousy day, we still love them.

Which is why what happened to me the other day got me so mad. I was actually being a good parent! Or so I thought. (I'm the damn parenting expert - I think I'd have a good idea of when I'm getting it right).

Last weekend we went on a family camp for a couple of nights. We were in a lovely valley where horse riding is the main attraction. In addition to people who camp there, lots of day visitors come in to ride the 200 horses that graze on the property.

After enjoying a beautiful day riding horses, playing games, and being together, I told the kids to jump onto the side of our car (we have a 4WD). They stood on the step below the doors, reached into the windows, held on tight, and squealed with delight as I drove along the track and through a paddock. As we drove past a young-ish couple who were walking their horses, the guy stared at me, called me an insulting name and said, "Great parenting."

Perhaps I'm a bit precious about people's evaluations of my parenting. But to me, I was being a great dad. The kids were laughing and having fun. We were being safe, or at least I thought we were. Everything was great. I wasn't shouting, hitting, or demeaning my kids. We were having a good parenting day.

So was I wrong? If anything, I went wrong the moment I let him get to me. I became a bad dad when I over-reacted to his sarcastic barb. But was I being a bad dad? Or does he need to get a grip? And when have you felt judged as a parent?

The Relationship Between How You Feel as a Parent and What you Do as a Parent

If you were asked how your emotions influence your behaviour as a parent, do you think you would be able to say that you manage to treat your children the way they ought to be treated even when you're not in the mood for it? A recent analysis of over 60 studies that considered parent's feelings and behaviours suggests that how we feel makes a significant impact on how we behave towards our children.

Specifically, the researchers found that parents who are experiencing negative emotions tend to be harsh toward their children. Their parenting practices are negative and lacking in warmth. Instead, their negative mood leads them to be inclined to anger and even hostility. Negative feelings provoked reactive parenting practices. This is somewhat intuitive, of course. When you feel anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, or irritation it is hard to be composed, calm, and thoughtful about ideal ways to deal with your children. To the contrary, chances are that your responses would likely involve intrusion into the child’s activities, physical or psychological punishment, or expressed irritation.

The researchers also confirmed that positive parental emotions were associated with social engagement with children, and expressions of warmth. In short, feeling good encourages parents to be involved in positive ways with their children, develop relationships, and express love. It is important to note that the strength of the relationship between negative feelings and negative behaviour was much greater than the relationship between positive feelings and positive behaviour. This means that feeling bad is almost certain to impact negatively on how we parent, whereas feeling good has a relationship with positive parenting, but it does not ensure that we will behave positively.

In short, this study is a great reminder that we, as parents, should be aware of our feelings and how they can impact on our parenting. If we're feeling good, GREAT! Enjoy being with the children, express that warmth and love, and engage with them. If we're feeling bad, the research (and our own experience) warn us that we should avoid our children as much as possible until we've regained some kind of control over our emotions. Otherwise we may end up doing and saying things we might regret. What not to do - Don't think that talking about your anger will help. It won't. Instead it will only exacerbate it.

Here are 3 great tips for turning those negative emotions around :

1. Acknowledge that you are feeling lousy. Recognise the source of the emotion if you know it. And accept it. By allowing yourself to experience the emotion safely and without the kids around you are more likely to work your way through it quickly and effectively, thus regulating your emotions that much faster. This mindfulness and acceptance is empirically shown to assist in emotional regulation.

2. Walk. There seems to be nothing that a good walk can't fix! Seriously. Ten minutes walking outside - especially if you can immerse yourself in the amazing wonders of the world - can make a significant difference. Research shows that exercise, even in small doses, can make a significant difference to the emotions we experience - for good.

3. Gratitude exercises. Immediately begin to count your blessings. "I'm grateful that I got that parking ticket. It means I'm better off than more than half the world's population because I have a car." Or "I'm grateful that my children are back-chatting me and refusing to tidy up their rooms. It means they have wonderful advanced powers of reasoning and we are in a privileged position to have a roof over our heads, money for games and clothes, and so on." It sounds cheesy, but there is SO MUCH evidence that this can make a difference that I have to recommend it.

There is a very real, very powerful relationship between how you feel and what you do as a parent. Intuition suggests it. A recent study, reviewing 63 empirical research articles confirms it. Negative emotions are toxic for your relationships with your children. Positive emotions can make a genuine difference for your family. Celebrate the positive!

How Controlling Your Kids Can Backfire

What if I told you I could bring peace to your household? What if I said there was just one thing you need to do to get your child/teenager/husband/ to do what you wanted? 

I could offer you the sugar-coated version where you would promise goodies like gold stars, financial incentives, praise, or other rewards for getting people to do the things you want them to do. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.” 

 Then there’s the negative control. You use threats, punishment, time-out, or aggression to demand compliance. Kind of like: “If you do this, you’ll get that.” They’re the same thing – using our power to make someone comply with our wishes. The problem is that people don’t like being told what to do, no matter how good and worthwhile it may be. The law of physics applies in relationships too – Force creates resistance. Say for example a mother wants her child to learn the piano (because that’s what she was taught for two years as a child. Of course, she hated it back then and was miserable about it, but with hindsight she wishes that she’d stuck with it). 

The child starts lessons enthusiastically, but within a month or two the daily practice overrides the initial enthusiasm. The child refuses to practise. Predictably, the mother starts to use power to bribe, demand, threaten, and ultimately force the child to do something he or she simply does not want to do! 

The harder we push someone to do something they don’t want to do, the more likely it is that they’ll push back and insist that you can’t make them do anything. Invariably this leads to problems such as: 

• The person will only act the ‘right’ way when the person who holds the power is in the room. 
• Kids whose parents use power-based strategies at home to force compliance are much more likely to be bullies, using these same strategies to force compliance in the schoolyard. 
• An inability to regulate and control emotions. 
• Self esteem/Self worth issues. When people are only rewarded for doing things that someone else deems worthy they may question whether they’re worthy at times when rewards aren’t forthcoming. 

In fact one of the greatest predictors of burnout in the workplace is not too much work. It’s a sense that the employee has no control over what is happening. But there is a third alternative: a way of guiding people towards doing the right things but for the right reasons. When we use ‘controlling’ techniques we ‘do things’ to people to ‘make’ them do what we want - the alternative is to work with people by trying to understand their motivation and then explaining why we’re asking for a change – and leaving it up to their good judgement to make that change. 

For example my 11 year-old daughter was recently listening to a song that contained material my wife and I found offensive. It dealt with sexualisation of women, describing them as objects to satisfy a man and nothing more. If I were to use control to stop her listening I would have bribed or threatened her. My demands that she not listen to that music would have been met with resistance or it would have pushed the music listening ‘underground’. Instead we talked about the song, why she liked it (catchy tune, all her friends sing it) and its content. We discussed values that mattered to all of us as a family. At the conclusion of our discussion our daughter said, “I’m going to have to delete lots of songs from my playlist.” 

At no time was she asked to do that. She chose to do it autonomously. My wife and I had listened to her, we explained our reasons and she made the decision. Decades of research shows that if the relationship matters more than the outcome, the use of ‘control’ (whether negative or positive) is far less effective than autonomy supportive practices. 

In spite of the research, many parents, bosses, and teachers feel like if they don’t remain in control it will all fall apart but forcing people to do things creates resistance and leads to anger and deception. It ignores the person's personal values and desires and it explicitly or implicitly threatens punishment. Even greater than that: it jeopardises relationships. 

Certainly food for thought when you want to get people on your side. Do you use a reward and punishment system, threaten (even covertly) your children or your colleagues or do you allow other people to find their way as you guide them toward your ideas? How do you get people to come around? 

Kids with Dad do Better - New Study

I received the following information about a new study from a guy who's list I subscribe to, Ken Pope. Some terrific information in here about how kids with Dad around do better behaviourally and cognitively. The new issue of Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science/Revue canadienne des sciences du comportement (vol. 43, #3, July) includes a study: 

"Fathers' Influence on Children's Cognitive and Behavioural Functioning: A Longitudinal Study of Canadian Families." The authors are Erin Pougnet , Lisa A. Serbin, Dale M. Stack, and Alex E. Schwartzman. One type of family that is becoming increasingly common in North America is the family headed by a single mother. In 2006, approximately 13% of Canadian families and 22% of families in Québec included biological fathers who lived apart from their children (Statistics Canada, 2007a). 

In general, studies outside of Canada have demonstrated that fathers' presence in their children's homes and parenting are positively associated with children's cognitive outcomes across time, even after controlling for various demographic and socioeconomic factors (for review, see Allen & Daly, 2002). The majority of the recent fathering research has been conducted with preschool-aged children. For example, a study conducted in the United States by Ryan, Martin, and Brooks-Gunn (2006) found that children who lived with two highly supportive parents at 2-years-old had higher cognitive and language development at 3 years of age than children who lived with one or no supportive parents after controlling for socio-economic statuts. 

Studies conducted with the older offspring of absent fathers have supported these findings. For example, a study conducted in the United States indicated that children whose fathers lived with them full-time had higher scores on reading and math tests than children whose fathers did not live with them (Teachman, Day, Paasch, Carver, & Call, 1998). 

Moreover, paternal parenting has been shown to be positively associated with children's cognitive outcomes for different age groups (Bronte-Tinkew, Carrano, Horowitz, & Kinukawa, 2008; Fagan & Iglesias, 1999). For example, one study found that fathers' supportiveness when children were 2-years-old was associated with children's intellectual functioning scores at 2- and 3-years-old (Cabrera, Shannon, &; Tamis-LeMonda, 2007). Another study found that paternal warmth when children were 12-years-old was a predictor of school achievement two years later; this remained true after controlling for the effect of maternal warmth (Chen, Liu, & Li, 2000). 

 In general, research has indicated that children who experience fathers' absence from the home at various points during childhood are more likely than other children to display internalizing problems, such as sadness, social withdrawal, and anxiety, as well as externalizing problems, such as aggression, impulsivity, and hyperactivity (Amato & Gilbreth, 1999; Carlson, 2006; Demuth &; Brown, 2004). One study that was conducted in the United States found that children with absent fathers displayed more antisocial behaviour than children whose fathers were present in their home, even after controlling for the effects of paternal antisocial behaviour, socio-economic status, and presence of stepfathers (Pfiffner, McBurnett, & Rathouz, 2001). 

Results 

Overall, the results from this study indicated that fathers' presence in middle childhood predicted cognitive and behavioural outcomes later on in development. This was illustrated utilizing a prospective methodology with a culturally and linguistically distinct longitudinal sample of socioeconomically at-risk families, and after accounting for such potentially confounding factors as annual family income, the quality of the home environment, parental educational attainment, and couple conflict. 

The results indicated that for girls only, fathers' presence in middle childhood predicted fewer internalizing problems in preadolescence. 

For both boys and girls, fathers' positive parental control predicted higher Performance IQ and fewer internalizing problems over six years later. 

These findings add to the increasing body of literature suggesting that fathers make important contributions to their children's cognitive and behavioural functioning, and point to the benefits of developing policies that encourage fathers to spend time with their children (i.e., parental leave for men) and promote positive fathering and involvement through parenting courses.

Expecting Too Much of Our Kids?

Sometimes there can be a wide discrepancy between what children value and what their parents’ value.

While parents are concerned with tidiness, children seem oblivious to mess.

While parents pester their children about punctuality, children seem blissfully unaware of time constraints. While parents want children in bed and sleeping by 8pm (or whatever time works for you) so they can have some quiet time and still get enough sleep, children are obsessed with pushing bedtime boundaries.

While parents often seek peace and quiet, noise and activity are the outcome of most of what our children want to do.

Last week, Miss 7 (child number three in the Happy Families House) went on an excursion. Knowing that Miss 7 gets carried away in the moment, I was very clear with her. I asked, “What do you need to do with your jacket today?” Her reply was perfect: “Put it in my bag dad.” I checked and re-checked that she would remember. Apparently she did remember to put her jacket in her bag. However, she left her bag on the FERRY.

That bag had her school jacket ($60), her Tupperware lunchbox (I know, it should never have gone! $30), and there was the bag itself ($20) plus whatever goodies she had put into it. But, is it expecting too much of Miss 7 to think she can remember her bag when she’s catching ferries across Sydney Harbour, staring at the Opera House, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and more? And then she’s visiting the lions and elephants and ... all of those exciting things can be a lot to take in for a little girl. It’s true that nearly every other child came home with the same school bag they had gone on the excursion with. So I find myself wondering if my expectations were too high, or if I’m justified in being upset. As soon as I start to get angry at her, I recall that when I was in school I lost several clothing items, bags, sports accessories, and so on. And I did so at much older ages. Did my parents get upset with me? Yes. Did I remember things better as a result? No. While we love our children, and cherish their gorgeous personalities and energy, it can be easy to forget how precious they are to us. It can also be hard to remember that they are human – just like us. And the last time I checked, none of the humans I know were perfect either.

Just like you and I, our children’s actions, emotions, and words become quite inconvenient. (Have you ever spoken to someone who felt you were being inconvenient? Or have you behaved in a way that was inconvenient to another person?) It’s at that point - when we become annoyed, inconvenienced, or just plain angry at our children - that our expectations start to get too high. We forget that they’re people. Imperfect people who are here to learn from us. We walk into a messy bedroom and shout, “What has been going on in here? It looks like a bomb has gone off!”

Our demands are endless. “Kids, be quiet. Hurry up. Tidy up. Do your practice. Get out the door. Stay in your room. How many times do I have to tell you?” A favourite author of mine, Alfie Kohn, calls it “my mother’s in my larynx.”

Have you ever stopped and counted the number of demands you make on your children? How about the tone of your demands?

Imagine if your boss pestered you, nagged you, made demands on you, and had expectations of you to the same degree that you do your children... how long would you stay in his/her employment? My guess... not long.

Here are some handy hints to remember when our children choose not to listen, or forget something, or make too much noise, or mess, or...

1. What is an appropriate developmental expectation? For example, research shows that children will be forgetful and lack real responsibility until around age eight. And they won’t take any thought about the messiness of their room (generally) until age twelve. 
2. Are we expecting them to be perfect? 
3. How is our reaction to their imperfections and inconvenience modelling a good, fair, and even-handed approach for them to emulate when things go wrong? 

Children need us to be less critical. They need less judgement. While they need responsibilities and limits, they also need us to be models, and they need our acceptance in spite of their imperfections.

What do you think... How much should we expect of our children?

The Most Important Thing

My 7 year-old daughter, Ella, approached my wife last week.

"Mum, will you come to my class and tell everyone what you do for work?"

Ella's class is learning about occupations. The teacher has suggested that parents attend the class and discuss their work with the children. Ella wanted Kylie (my wife) to share what it is that she does each day with her classmates.

Kylie is a mum. And a pretty amazing one too!

But Kylie was concerned about how she would approach this assignment. She indicated that her role including being a finance expert (for the budget), a lawyer and judge (for dealing with conflict between family members from time to time), a taxi-driver, a cleaner, a chef, and so on. Kylie developed a wonderful and creative list detailing all of the roles she had to be competent in as a mother.

After thinking for some time, Kylie asked me what I think the most important thing might be for a mum to do. She shared her expansive list with me. Within milliseconds I had my ready response.

 I suggested that more than anything at all, children need a mother (and a father) who are ALWAYS there for them, and who will love them no matter what. I told Kylie that the best way we can show our love is to be available to our children - particularly when they are emotional. As if to provide supporting evidence, the next morning Kylie asked Ella (Miss 7), "What do you like doing most with mum?"

Ella gazed at her mum and softly replied, "I don't really care what I do with you. I just like to spend time with you."

"Doing what, though?" Kylie questioned.

"Doesn't matter. I just like to be with you."

Kids don't need fancy treats, holidays, toys, and doodads. They just need a mum and dad to be there for them, and to love them like crazy. That's the most important thing.

Teens, Intimacy, and Later Life

Roughly one third of teenagers have experienced intercourse by the time they are between the ages of 15-17. Some studies suggest this number may be higher. For close to twenty years, researchers have gathered evidence that indicates that the age of an adolescent's first sexual experience may be strongly related to risk of divorce.

Reasons for this include:

• Younger initial intimacy increases the number of partners a person will have, and the more partners a person has, the greater the risk of marriage break-up (when marriage finally occurs). 
• Younger sexual debut can be risky in terms of pregnancy. Teen mothers have a very high risk of divorcing their husbands. These relationships can work, but the numbers are very much against them. Even if a pregnancy is not carried to term, or the child is adopted, the experience is strongly linked to increased risk of later divorce. 
• There is some evidence that premarital sex, particularly when it begins early (such as in mid adolescence) can strongly and negatively impact on whether or not a person will form a stable relationship at all. 
• Poor relationship quality has been found among those who began intimate relationships early. In a study published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family some interesting new findings were reported. 

First, it was confirmed that among girls aged 16-17, their sexual debut (this is the term researchers use to define loss of virginity) was again linked to marital dissolution. But it appeared to happen indirectly. For example, statistical analysis indicated that early debut led to more partners and greater likelihood of pregnancy. It seemed that these were the key drivers for later divorce - but only in the event that the intimacy was wanted. For girls where the relationship occurred without them being either fully committed to the idea, or without their consent, there was a direct link to later divorce, even if no further partners or pregnancy occurred. Another study published only one month before, using entirely different data and written by different researchers, reported that marital satisfaction and relationship quality were higher when couples waited for marriage, compared with couples who were intimate before the vows were said. Intimacy was also reported to be "better" when statistical comparisons were made on survey data from over 2000 couples. A lot of this sounds old-fashioned - perhaps even wowser-ish - but the research is sending a clear message - one that may resonate with many parents as they reflect on what they want for their children.

Dr Mark Regnerus, a sociologist and expert in intimacy indicated "Couples who hit the honeymoon too early, that is, prioritise sex promptly at the outset of a relationship, often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy". The evidence since the mid 1990's sends a message that parents should heed: teenagers would do well to be taught and encouraged to remain abstinent for as long as possible if they wish to have successful later relationships.

Here are some simple tips to help teach your children about the 'timing' of their debut:

1. Have frank, regular discussions with your children about intimacy and relationships. Have 'the talk' often, and cover a range of topics.
2. Be honest. Tell them how you feel. If you made mistakes, avoid specific detail, but let them know how you feel about those mistakes and what you learned from them.
3. Discuss research like the studies described in this post with them. Help them to understand that their decisions now will heavily impact their lives later.
4. Ask them what matters most to them in a relationship and help them work toward achieving those goals, rather than emphasising physical connection only and leaving other aspects of their relationships 'under developed'.
5. Keep the talk positive. When intimacy is right and good, it is one of the greatest and most meaningful and wonderful things in life. But it has to be right and good to be positive. Make sure that your emphasis is less on the mechanics and the physical, and more on the emotional. Sex is undeniably physical, but it is really only positive and meaningful when it is emotional. Help your teen understand that such a behaviour must be motivated by deep emotional feelings from BOTH parties. These things take TIME to develop.

Regardless of what research says, people will make their choices on this one for themselves. But frank conversations that consider the scientifically known outcomes of adolescent intimacy can only be helpful. Based on the best information available today, we KNOW that the longer people wait - in any relationship - the better.

What Does Your Child Look Like?

If your children could see themselves through your eyes, what would they see? In a local park I recently overheard a conversation between two parents. "He's such a terror!" "She's a totally spoiled little brat." "This child is driving me crazy." It was an eye-opening moment, because when I looked at their children I saw a helpful girl playing with a younger sibling, an energetic boy laughing and running and climbing with excitement, and a child who wanted to share his playtime with his mum. 

The way we 'frame' a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in what would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their 'good-for-nothing' 'bratty' 'ungrateful' children. And unsurprisingly, such an approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them... which is not much. 

Conversely, seeing our children as people - real people - who we value, and who bring positives to our family and our lives ensures that our interactions with them can be far more positive. We take a strengths approach, stating what we value and appreciate in them, and sharing those positives. We consider things that they are good at and invite them to develop those attributes. We give them opportunities and acknowledge their contribution. 

We decide whether the glass is half full or half empty. This is not to be naive or ignorant of shortcomings and concerns. When we see a half-full glass, we can still recognise that it is not completely full, and we can help to remedy that in appropriate ways. But it does make a big difference. If you see your child as talented, helpful, and willing to think of others, you'll see those traits exhibited more. If you see your child as selfish, a non-contributor, and rude, it's amazing how often those attributes will be evident - often prompted by the expectations of those around her. 

Are your children angels, or terrorists? Are they a delight, or delinquent? Are they a pain or a pleasure? They can be either, but if we choose to see them as angels, as a delight, and as a pleasure, then they most likely will be. 

Your children can see themselves the way that you see them. What are they seeing?

When Your Child Is The Bully

I extended my argument to suggest that mobile phones and other technology may exacerbate bullying. This sickening story and footage underscore precisely the point I was making. (Warning - significant violence and highly distressing images)

A Yr 10 boy who has repeatedly been the target of bullying was punched in the face and hit several times by a Yr 7 boy while his friends filmed the taunting, ready for publication on facebook. After a few moments and several more punches, the Yr 10 boy retaliated and threw the tormenter to the ground, breaking his ankle. Would this bullying have occurred were it not for video phones and facebook? Possibly. But possibly not. However, this technology has brought the real dangers of bullying directly into our homes. And the images it presents are serious and need to be dealt with. I watched this video and was close to tears. I felt so saddened that our children feel that it is appropriate to treat one another this way. At the end of this week it is the National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence. This occurrence is a reminder of just how much it matters that parents work to improve things for their children.

What can YOU do if your child is the bully?

I suggest three things:

1. Don't be a bully yourself
Do not, under any circumstance, attempt to use your own power to "make" your child change his or her behaviour. This only reinforces the idea that might is right. It sounds logical enough. But if your child was involved in the horrendous act described above, it would be a great challenge to not be angry, make threats, remove privileges, and dole out punishments. 'Consequences' is a common euphemism for a parent punishing a child. Ultimately, however, this type of behaviour is undeniably a form of bullying. It is unlikely to do any constructive teaching.

2. Use perspective taking.
This will need to be done in two ways. First, you might try to understand how your child is feeling. What is causing him or her to act as a bully? Imagine you were her. Try to see what life is like as your child. Talk it through together. Second, encourage your child to imagine what it is like to be the person who is bullied each day. Have them see the world through the eyes of the victim. This process is a challenging one. You may struggle to take your child's perspective accurately. And your child may become defensive when considering how another person feels. Take your time. Work slowly and compassionately. Results may take a very long time to be forthcoming. Hint: It may be a good idea to have such a conversation while you go for a walk together. Being in public may help keep strong emotions more regulated. And walking together may promote more meaningful, useful conversation. The following story is from a NYT article about cyberbullying(here) One afternoon two years ago, Judy, a recent widow in Palm Beach County, Fla., who had been finishing her college degree, helping a professor research cyberbullying, and working in an office, got a call from the school. “Your daughter is involved in a cyberbullying incident,” the assistant principal said. “Come down immediately.” Her daughter and two others had made a MySpace page about another middle-schooler, saying she was a “whore,” with a finger pointing to her private parts. The young teenagers printed out copies and flung them at students. Judy rushed to school. Her daughter, a sweet, straight-A student, was waiting in the guidance counselor’s office, her arms crossed defiantly. “I said to her, ‘This is a human being,’ ” Judy recalled. “ ‘This girl will be destroyed for the rest of her life!’ And my daughter just said: ‘I don’t care. It’s all true.’ And I bawled while she just sat there.” The school suspended Judy’s daughter for three days. “I did not call the target, I’m ashamed to say,” Judy recalled. “I didn’t know how to get hold of her. The school wouldn’t give me her name, and my daughter wouldn’t talk to me.” Once Judy got over her shock, she said, “I had to accept that my daughter had really done this and it was so ugly.” Judy took away her daughter’s computer, television and cellphone for months. She tried talking with her. Nothing. There were weeks of screaming and slammed doors. Meanwhile, the girl’s grades dropped. She was caught with marijuana. Judy realized that her daughter had long been bottling up many family stressors: illness and death, financial worries, her mother’s exhausting schedule. In reaction, the girl had been misbehaving, including doing the very thing her mother found so abhorrent: cyberbullying. In time, as Judy took long walks with her daughter, the girl began to resemble the child Judy thought she had known. When her daughter’s grades improved, Judy bought her a puppy. “A lot of people will disagree with me,” Judy said, “but I thought, this is a way for her to be responsible for something other than herself, something that would be dependent on her for all its needs.” The girl doted on the puppy. One day, Judy asked: “ ‘Would you want anyone to be mean to your dog? Throw rocks at Foxy?’ ” Her daughter recoiled. Judy continued: “ ‘How do you think other parents feel when something mean happens to their children?’ Then she broke down crying. That’s when I think she finally understood what she had done.”

The process will not be a fast one in many cases. But perspective taking is the ONLY way that a child who is bullying will ever really understand what has happened and be motivated to cease.

3. Show your child that you love them.

This simply means that your child probably needs more of you now than ever before. It is a FACT that the times that our children are the LEAST lovable are the times that they need us MOST. If your child is being a bully they need you now more than ever before... not as a judge, advice-giver, or critic. Rather they need you as a parent, confidant, model, and guide. None of these things are easy. None of these steps will bring immediate results. But chances are, over time, they will be far more effective than any other method of 'discipline' - because these methods teach what is appropriate.

Please share this article, and do all you can to ensure that no child you know ever experiences anything remotely close to the incidents described above.

Discover the Power of Play

A six years-old boy received a surprise gift from his father... a car.

A car???

His father decided not to re-register his old broken down second car. Rather than selling it to the wreckers for $200 he parked it in a corner of the backyard, removed the fuel, secured the car so it could not roll away, and then handed his son the keys. That year, the six year-old drove his mother from Sydney to Melbourne, then to Brisbane, and across Australia time and again. He drove his dad to the beach, to the mountains, and even to New Zealand! Each trip only took around ten minutes, but those trips created lasting memories for an imaginative boy and his parents. Play should be about exploration, imagination, wonder. Ideally it will not be a quick, marketable, purchasable product that is structured toward ‘outcomes’. Play – real play – is about spontaneity, discovery, and creativity. Play – the old-fashioned kind – is a lifelong skill that builds and satisfies curiosity, broadens the way we think, reduces stress, and boosts energy levels. Kids have an innate sense of play and desire to play. Adults ‘grow out of it’, or become inhibited and so will not play.

Play is not just for kids. Grown-ups – even the parent kind – benefit from play as much as children, if not more. Children (and grown-ups) need to learn the skill of play. And research shows that the family is the best place to learn those skills.

How Play Benefits Your Child

Play aids in children’s development in several important ways:

 Communication

Play provides opportunities for children to develop speech and language abilities, and also to practice listening. Whether their play is companion-based with a sibling, peer, or parent, or solo play using imagination, children talk and listen while playing. It can be exciting to hear your child sitting in the family room interacting with toys and hearing her play one character, then another, as the toys interact. It can be invigorating to watch your son dress up as a superhero and save the bath toys from the evil emperor. It was meaningful for a mother to sit in a beat-up old car and listen as her son drove her around Australia.

Relationships

Play promotes social interaction, and social skills and competence. Children who play, both with parents and peers, learn how relationships work through their play experiences. The number of friendships and the quality of their friendships will also usually increase as play becomes more prevalent.

Cognitive Development

Imaginative play and role-playing are particularly powerful kinds of play that help the brain develop in more functional and positive ways. Children who engage in these kinds of play have a more sophisticated level of interaction with others and with their environment than those who do not. This is particularly evident in studies of children who watch high levels of television in comparison to children who spend more time playing.

Other benefits of play

Research shows that:

•  Children whose dads played with them were found to have greater levels of imagination and cognitive ability compared to kids whose dads were non-players. 
• Children whose mums played with them experienced more secure attachment to their mums, and enjoyed more positive development when compared to children whose mums were unavailable for play. 
• Older children who played with their parents were also more engaged in other activities, experienced positive school engagement, had positive mental health, stronger friendship networks, and enjoyed greater family closeness compared with older children without playful parents. 

How Play Benefits Parents

So how do parents benefit from this? After all, we’re the ones who are juggling the needs of the children with the demands of being ‘the responsible adult’ who doesn’t actually have time for play. It can actually be really hard to enjoy it. Lots of parents feel like it’s no fun to play at all. Dress-ups, dolls, swordfights, zhu-zhu pets, littlest pet-shops, and bouncing on the trampoline may not be your idea of good fun. Parents who play get big boosts in self-esteem, and most important, significant increases in relationship satisfaction. This goes for both playing with their children, and also being playful with other adults, particularly spouses.

Child’s play is not just for children.

From infancy to old age, play is consistently related to positive wellbeing. Put simply, play makes better, happier kids – and better, more fulfilled parents.

What Your Children Deserve Least When When They Need it Most ?

One of the most challenging paradoxes of parenthood is this:

The times our children deserve our love the least are the times they need it the most.

 Let me say that again for emphasis... the times that our children are the most demanding, the most trying, the most obnoxious, disrespectful, unkind, and simply out-and-out frustrating... those times are the times that they need us to be at our best for them, at our kindest and most compassionate for them, and at our most loving for them. When our children are doing things that we don't like we, as parents, usually make a demand for compliance.

 "Do as I say - now!"

Perhaps unsurprisingly our children resist this... for one simple reason. The law of physics demands it - force creates resistance. It happens with objects and it happens with people. Parents prefer not to have their authority questioned. So rather than considering why a child may be resisting, they up the ante, doing their best puffer-fish impersonation, and make threats. When threatened, it's not unusual for a child to respond poorly. Now we have an angry parent and a child who feels threatened and upset. If the situation escalates the parent will typically punish (in a poor attempt to 'discipline' or teach) which will only push the child further away. So here's the problem: When our children feel sad, angry, or afraid - or just plain obstinate - our responses push them further away from us. That is, when our children are at their lowest emotionally, most parents typically get upset with them! Why? Well, for one, kids' emotions are pretty inconvenient!

Second, as parents we do not like having our authority questioned. When we ask our children to do something (or tell them) we exhibit a tremendous sense of entitlement. We simply expect that it will be done/dealt with/sorted out immediately. Whether it is doing a chore, stopping a challenging behaviour, or simply being patient or calming down, when it doesn't happen we are incensed. In many ways we essentially say that: "I'm the parent and you must do as I say." This is an abuse of power and a prime example of bullying. But perhaps the main reason is that, as parents, we aren't really sure about how to deal with our children's emotions and non-compliance. When our children are upset or refuse to follow our wishes we do not know how to respond. We fail to recognise that their emotional outbursts are actually a plea for love. Their refusal to act on our wishes is a cry for attention.

 So what is the alternative? Based on the three challenges, I propose three solutions.

• First, we can see our children's emotions through a new frame of reference. Rather than seeing their emotions and refusal as inconvenient, we can recognise the opportunity for connection that they represent. 

• Second, we should encourage our authority to be questioned. Huh? Do we really want our children to question our authority? 

Yes - in the right way. Respectfully.

As parents we don't know everything so we need to stop acting like we know it all! We are angered when our children behave as though the world revolves around them, yet we expect their world to revolve around us. They may be busy playing, or be in the middle of their favourite show, or they may simply be sitting and feeling quiet. We burst into the room and demand that it be tidied, or that the dinner table be set, and so on. And we do it with little or no regard for their needs and activities. It may be true that these things need to be done - by them - but we often require it of them with no thought for what their wishes are at the moment.

• Third, and most importantly, we can respond to our children's emotions compassionately. When our children are upset, angry, even defiant, our primal response (might is right) is unhelpful. Being the big person does not give us the right to throw our weight around in order to obtain compliance or get them to toughen up. Our child's emotion is best responded to with love and kindness. Taking the time to connect with our children, help them recognise the emotions that they are feeling, and talk about things helps them to feel more comfortable with their emotions, regulate them more effectively, and feel valued, respected, and worthy as real-life people. To give love when love is 'undeserved' means parents must suspend judgment. It means we tend to emotional needs gently. We soothe and show we care. We model emotional understanding. 

As one brief example, imagine that your eight year-old is disrespectful to you. She shouts at you when you ask for help, and then tells you she hates you.

By refusing to be drawn into a power struggle, a parent might crouch beside her daughter and acknowledge the emotions being experienced.

"Wow. You seem really hurt/angry/frustrated."

By offering understanding - and perhaps even a cuddle - a child is likely to open up. It may take a few minutes. Sometimes an understanding, "Let's talk together in a minute or two when we're calm" response is appropriate. When love is felt and a child feels comfortable and valued, you can then discuss the emotion.

"I saw you were really angry earlier. Would you like to talk about it?"
"Were things difficult for you at school today?"
"I want you to know that even when you're angry I love you."

Letting your child know it is safe to have emotions will remove the fear associated with having an emotion. Children will be more comfortable feeling, identifying, and responding to their emotions. They will better regulate their emotions. And they will know that no matter what the emotion or circumstance, and no matter how undeserving they may be, they will be loved.

Resource Depletion For Parents

The white bear phenomenon is related to our mental resources and how we control them. In a series of experiments, a researcher asked two groups of participants to think about things - pretty much anything - for five minutes. One group of participants was specifically instructed to think about whatever they wanted - even white bears, should they come to mind. The other group of participants was told they could think about whatever they wanted to, but they were not to think about white bears. Both groups were then instructed that if they did happen to think about a white bear, they should make a note of it each time it happened. An interesting thing happened. Participants who were not allowed to think about white bears during that five minute period actually did think about white bears. And they thought about them more than the participants who were allowed to think about them!

Here's the kicker though:

Participants who were not supposed to think about white bears not only thought about them more during the five minute period. They also experienced intrusive thoughts of white bears for the next several minutes after the five minute period was up. It seemed that once the suppression period was over, those people relaxed their mind, and there was a flood of white bears! In psychological terms, they experienced a post-suppressional rebound. In a workshop that I run, I do this same experiment - live... but with a slight variation. Half of the room gets one set of instructions, and the other half the room gets different instructions. They just don't know it. On a piece of paper, half of the room are asked not to think about white bears while the other half is allowed to. As in the experiment, each side documents the number of times those thoughts pop up. The people who are not supposed to think about white bears generally think about them more, or at least the same number of times as those who can think about whatever they want. I then tell participants that we'll talk about that little activity later. As I'm talking, I walk around the room and place bowls of lollies on their tables. They don't know this, but I've counted how many lollies are in those bowls! Around ten minutes later I ask the participants to count the number of lollies in their bowls. Without exception, the group that was not allowed to think about white bears always eats more lollies - significantly more - than the group that was allowed to think about them!

Why?

When we force our brain to not think about something (even though we actually really struggle to do that), we deplete ourselves of resources. Our mental/cognitive resources are used up trying to push the thoughts away in exactly the same way that our muscles get tired when we hold a child for a long time. This resource depletion seems to weaken us mentally, and our resistance to other things (like more thoughts of white bears, or a bowl of lollies) is reduced.

What has this got to do with parents?

As the day wears on, we encounter challenges, difficulties, and all of the regular dramas of life. Of course, some days are easier than others, but we generally get reasonably worn down by the end of the day.

Have you ever noticed that you are not at your best at dinner time?

As the day goes on, and as the challenges of the day hit us, our resources become depleted. Our stamina and willpower are not as strong as they were earlier, when we were less tired. Whereas earlier in the day we might have been capable of responding well to our children, the ongoing effort to be civil reduces our capacity to remain civil over time. So we become snappy at the children, impatient with distractions, angry when things don't go our way. We probably would have handled those things better a few hours ago, but by day's end, we're ready to crack! If it has been a particularly difficult day, the psychological resource depletion can begin much earlier. Worse still - when we realise this and try our hardest to be at our best, we may succeed briefly, but if we don't really get ourselves rejuvenated, there can often be a rebound. We are tired, we get cranky. Then we resolve to be better. We are kind and patient and it takes all of our effort.We start to relax because we think we're doing well and then... POP! Like a balloon we explode when we're pricked at just the wrong time.

So how do we avoid resource depletion and post-suppressional rebound?

The first thing we might try, if we have the time and resources, is to give ourselves a twenty minute holiday. Find a quiet place. Take your mind to somewhere that feels peaceful and rejuvenating, and live there for 20 minutes. Perhaps there is something you are looking forward to, or something you are particularly grateful for. This kind of a mental holiday can be restorative, and may re-stock your psychological store cupboard.

Second, it can be helpful for some people to focus on really being present. This means being entirely centred on what is happening right in front of us, and letting go of judgment and thoughts about anything that has happened previously, or anything happening right now.

Third, when we are really stressed, tired, or depleted, sometimes it can be best to simply acknowledge it. Tell the family that you are not at your best. Ask for their patience. Then lower your expectations, buy some dinner (rather than cooking it), and give yourself an easy night.

Kids who are Maltreated have the Same Brain Patterns as Combat Soldiers

The article explained that children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as soldiers exposed to combat. 

The study that is reported shows fMRI (functional MRI) brain scans of children who suffer physical abuse and domestic violence. The researchers found that exposure to family violence was associated with increased brain activity in two specific brain areas (the anterior insula and the amygdala) when children viewed pictures of angry faces. Previous fMRI studies that scanned the brains of soldiers exposed to violent combat situations have shown the same pattern of heightened activation in these two areas of the brain, which are associated with threat detection. 

The authors suggest that both maltreated children and soldiers may have adapted to be 'hyper-aware' of danger in their environment. However, the anterior insula and amygdala are also areas of the brain implicated in anxiety disorders. The changes that occur in the brains of children exposed to family violence are at greater risk of developing anxiety problems later in life. In the study, which is published in the journal Current Biology, 43 children had their brains scanned using an fMRI scanner. 20 children who had been exposed to documented violence at home were compared with 23 matched peers who had not experienced family violence. The average age of the maltreated children was 12 years old and they had all been referred to local social services in London. When the children were in the scanner they were presented with pictures of male and female faces showing sad, calm or angry expressions. The children had only to decide if the face was male or female - processing the emotion on the face was incidental. 

As described, the children who had been exposed to violence at home showed increased brain activity in the anterior insula and amygdala in response to the angry faces. The researchers stated that "The next step for us is to try and understand how stable these changes are. Not every child exposed to family violence will go on to develop a mental health problem; many bounce back and lead successful lives. We want to know much more about those mechanisms that help some children become resilient." 

This study is perhaps unsurprising. However, when I came across it, I thought it was a powerful and poignant reminder of just how much we, as parents, need to be aware of our interactions with our children. Consistent violence exposure causes their brains to function as if they were combat soldiers.

How to Have a Perfect Morning with the Kids ?

Sunday morning I did something different to normal. My Type A personality means that my mornings generally start at somewhere between 4am and 5am (yes, even on Saturday and Sunday). I don't have time for that sleep-in stuff. I've got blogs to write, books to read, a bike to ride, a business to build, and whatever else. Life is short. Get lots done. That's how I roll. 

for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines. But on Sunday I changed all of that. 

It was 7.30 when I realised I'd somehow slept through the alarm (or forgotten to set it). Lilli, my two year-old was giggling with her mum in bed next to me. I'm not sure there's a more pure, delightful sound than a toddler laughing and being cuddled. I savoured it for a minute and then Annie, aged four, sleepily meandered into our room and hopped up onto the bed next to me. I reached for her hand and started to draw a little circle in her palm. Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear... Annie was already giggling. By the time my fingers had taken their two steps and begun to tickle her she was squirming in rapturous bliss. I grabbed her toes and started reciting This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had... Annie didn't let me finish. She squealed "ROAST BEEF!" and so of course I had to start all over again. Daddy can't be interrupted doing the little piggies. 

We played for twenty minutes or so, and even put a call in to my 82 year-old grandmother so she could hear the laughter and joy her great-granddaughter was experiencing. It made her day... and for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines. 

 It was perfection. 

I couldn't have asked for anything more. 

Of course, my Type A personality eventually took over. I mentioned our agenda for the morning. I indicated that beds needed to be made, children needed to be dressed, and we needed to eat breakfast and be out the door by 9am. 

Chaos reigned. Children cried. Knots had to be brushed out of hair. No one wanted to do all of that. Because just for a brief moment there had been no agenda, no rush, no commitments. We were together, and that was all that mattered. 

I've already planned next Sunday morning (yes... Type A coming through again). The agenda is set. It involves a little less focus on deadlines, a bit more tickling, and lots more cuddles. I don't want 20 minutes of perfection next Sunday. This time we're shooting for 30!

The Computer is On. What are the Children Doing?

‘Forbidden fruit’ is powerfully alluring, especially for teenagers. Researchers have discovered that when children and adolescents are ‘forbidden’ from drugs, media consumption, and even certain peer relationships, they will resist those limits and assert their independence. If you tell a teen not to do something you almost ensure that as soon as your back is turned, they’ll be experimenting, investigating, poking, prodding, inhaling, swallowing, or otherwise trying to experience whatever was just deemed contraband. The super-peer of the media is addictive, influencing an entire generation of teenagers into accepting whatever norms those behind the messages seek to perpetuate. This is partly due to teenagers’ basic desire for autonomy. 

 “You can’t tell me what to do.” 

Another reason is that humans’ pre-frontal cortex (which is the part of our brain responsible for executive function and forward planning) does not fully develop until our early twenties. Lacking the neurologically advanced development that adults possess, our teens seem all too enthusiastic to chase after whatever we suggest would be best given a wide berth. This is especially the case when they sense their autonomy is being threatened. The more dictatorial our approach, the more enticing the forbidden fruit. 

To add complexity to a challenging situation, as teens develop, their willingness to accept parental influence diminishes at the same rate as their increased acceptance of peer influence. Mum and Dad become restrictive while peers offer limitless opportunities for exploration and discovery. 

Of all the peers that have an impact on our children’s decisions, there is one that is ubiquitous, pervasive, and all-too-often insidious. The media acts as a super-peer and influences our children with more effect than the most persuasive of teenagers’ normal peers. The super-peer is subtle. The super-peer rarely explicitly demands that teens conform to a given ideal. Rather, it presents models of the ‘good life’ and teens follow the direction laid out for them without question. While the influence of the super-peer can be positive, it can also be frighteningly negative.

Loving a Child Through the Challenges of Life

I've discovered a beautiful blog recently that is so good I simply had to share it. 

Hands Free Mama is the kind of place you might sit and read for hours. And every single post reminds us that connection with our children is everything. I love the blog. It's become an inspiration to me in the same way that I hope this blog is an inspiration to you. And in the last day or two I've connected with the blog's author, Rachel, about an article that I simply had to share here. With Rachel's permission, I share the following story called "Loving a child through the challenges of life." I was two years shy of becoming a mother when I learned my greatest lesson about parenting. This information was not gleaned from a New York Times bestseller, a renowned pediatrician, or an experienced parent. It came from a 10-year-old boy born to a drug-addicted mother, with an Individualized Education Plan thicker than an encyclopedia—a boy with permanent scars along the side of his left arm from a beating with an extension cord when he was three. Kyle (name has been changed) taught me the one and only thing I really needed to know about loving a child through the challenges of life. 

This is my story … 

It had been a difficult move. I left my family and friends and the beloved mid-western state where I’d lived most of my life. My new home was thousands of miles away from anything I knew. It was hot—all the time. There were no seasons and teaching jobs were hard to come by. Having seven years experience as a behavior specialist, I was up for a challenge. I would accept any job if it meant I could do what I was born to do—teach. I accepted a teaching position in a classroom for children with an array of educational diagnoses. They were students with severe learning and behavioral difficulties who’d been shuffled from school to school. So far, no program in the district was able to meet their challenging needs. The first few months of school were difficult. It was not unusual for me to cry as I made my 45-minute commute to the inner city. It required a deep breath to even open the classroom door, but I came back every day praying this would be the day—a breakthrough to one broken soul. On this particular morning, I was excited. The other lead teacher and I had spent weeks teaching the children appropriate behavior for public outings. We would be going putt-putting and out to lunch. Miraculously, most of the children in class earned this privilege—only a few had not. Alternative arrangements were made for those students while we took the field trip. We had an extensive plan in place to make the departure as smooth as possible. But due to the explosive behavior of many of the students, even the best laid plans could quickly turn sour. Kyle was one of the students who had not earned the field trip, and he was determined to make that disappointment be known. In the corridor between classrooms, he began screaming, cursing, spitting, and swinging at anything within striking distance. Once his outburst subsided, he did what he’d done at all his other schools, at home, even once at a juvenile detention center when he was angry—he ran. The crowd of onlookers that congregated during the spectacle watched in disbelief as Kyle ran straight into the heavy morning traffic in front of the school. I heard someone shout, “Call the police.” Based on the information in Kyle’s file, I knew the officers would locate him and place him on a 5150 hold for a psychiatric evaluation. But I could not just stand there. So I ran after him. Kyle was at least a foot taller than me. And he was fast. His older brothers were track stars at the nearby high school. But I had worn running shoes for the field trip, and I could run long distances without tiring. I would at least be able to keep in him my sight and know he was alive. With the agility of a professional athlete, Kyle dodged the moving vehicles in his path. After several blocks of running directly into on-coming traffic, he slowed his pace. Although it was still morning, the tropical sun was bearing down on the black tarmac baking anyone crazy enough to be running full speed on it. Kyle took a sharp left and began walking through a dilapidated strip mall. Standing next to a trash compactor, he bent over with his hands on his knees. He was heaving to catch his breath. That is when he saw me. I must have looked ridiculous—the front of my lightweight blouse soaked with sweat, my once-styled hair now plastered to the side of my beat-red face. He stood up abruptly like a frightened animal that thought it was alone suddenly discovering he’d been spotted. But it was not a look of fear. I saw his body relax. He did not attempt to run again. Kyle stood and watched me approach. My exhaustion caused me to slow to a walk. 

Kyle remained still. 

I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do, but I kept walking closer. We locked eyes, and I willed every ounce of compassion and understanding in my heart toward his own. He opened his mouth to speak when a police car pulled up, abruptly filling the space between Kyle and me. The principal of the school and an officer got out. They spoke calmly to Kyle who went willingly into the back of the vehicle. I did not come close enough to hear their words, but I didn’t take my eyes off Kyle’s face. His eyes never left mine … even as they drove away. It was days before Kyle would be allowed to return to school. I shared my disappointment regarding the turn of events with Kyle’s speech therapist who was familiar with Kyle’s past history and family situation. She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “No one ever ran after him before, Rachel. No one. They just let him go.” But I couldn’t help but feel that I had failed him … that I should have done more or said more … that I should have fixed the situation, or better yet, prevented the situation. 

 Kyle eventually came back to school. I quickly noticed that when he had a choice of which teacher to work with or which teacher to accompany him to special classes, he chose me. As weeks passed, he was glued to my side, complying with instructions, attempting to do his work, and once in awhile even smiling. For a child with severe attachment issues, it was quite amazing that he was developing a bond with me. 

One day on the way to art class, Kyle unexpectedly grasped my hand. It was unusual for a boy his age and size to hold his teacher’s hand, but I knew I must act like it was the most normal thing in the world. And then he leaned in and quietly said something I will never forget. “I love you, Miss Stafford,” he whispered. And then, “I never told anyone that before.” Part of me wanted to ask, “Why me?” But instead I simply relished the moment—an unimaginable breakthrough from the child whose file bore the words: “Unable to express love or maintain a loving relationship with another human being.” Besides, I knew the turning point. Things changed the day he ran, and I ran after him—even though I didn’t have the right words … even though I wasn’t able to save him from the mess he was in. It was the day I didn’t throw my hands up in the air deciding he was too fast … a waste of time and effort … a lost cause. It was the day my mere presence was enough to make a profound difference. Ten years have passed since I’ve seen Kyle. I no longer live in the same state that I did back then. But I often think of him. When I am out running … when I am to the point where my legs are tired and aching … I think of him. And I think of him when those really hard parenting dilemmas come my way—problems derived from inside and outside of the home—issues that make me want to beat my head against the wall or lower it in despair. I think of Kyle in those moments when I don’t know what to do or what to say when I look into my children’s troubled eyes. 

That is when I see Kyle’s face and remember I don’t always have to have the answer. Because sometimes there is no clear-cut answer. 

And I remember I don’t always have to “fix” their troubled hearts. Because there will be times when I can’t. I think of Kyle and remember the power of presence. Because it’s possible to say, “I won’t let you go through this alone,” without muttering a single word. Thank you, Kyle, for revealing the key to loving a child through the challenges of life. 

 Sometimes our mere presence is enough. Sometimes it is exactly what is needed to change a dismal situation into one of hope.

Why do We Treat those Who Matter Most the Worst?

My kids were watching a Disney movie recently. In the movie a dad, who was coaching his child's sport team, yelled at his son. 

At the conclusion of the coaching session the boy asked his Dad, 

 "Why did you yell at me but you didn't yell at all the other kids?" 

His Dad yelled back in exasperation, 

 "I don't care about the other kids." 

As I listened to this exchange, I found the irony striking. 

Why do we treat those who matter the most to us in the worst way? Why are we so disrespectful to our kids? We would never treat our friends, acquaintances, or strangers the way we treat our family members. 

Here's a challenge for the rest of the day... Try speaking to your family members as if they were a special guest in your home. Even if they do something that a special guest would never do, speak to them as if they were that guest. 

Try it and see what happens. I think you'll be surprised by the results.

Is Parenting about Power

Have you ever asked your child to do something and they have ignored you, or worse, they've been back-chatty and argumentative? Chances are, if you've been a parent for more than a year or two, the answer is yes. This morning my eight year-old, Ella, gave us some of that. She wouldn't take her school bag to school. She wanted to unload another backpack and take that instead. The requests were repeated. The refusals became more adamant. The morning routine was disrupted. It became this morning's parenting test for Kylie and I. 

Consequences 

The way we respond to this situation says a lot about our parenting style. Do we suggest that 'there will be consequences if you don't do what I have asked!' (We probably haven't asked so much as we've told, but that's another topic for another day.) Do we promise goodies for compliance? Do we push, pull, coerce, threaten, manipulate, or bribe - even in subtle ways? These are the standard principles of parenting in thousands of parenting books and programs around the world. Of course, the books don't tell us to threaten and bribe. Those words are too loaded. What they suggest instead is that we should use rewards for good behaviour and 'consequences' for bad behaviour, as though rewards and 'consequences' are completely different sides of a coin. We're reminded in these books that when our children do as we ask we can give them stars and when they have enough stars they get some goody they've identified as worth working towards. When they don't do as we ask we can use time out or the withdrawal of privileges (usually technology) to punish them and teach them that their unwillingness to comply has 'consequences'. 

Authoritarian Parenting 

This style of parenting is called 'authoritarian' parenting. It is best exemplified through the term 'power'. Parents who use an authoritarian parenting style rely on their power to manipulate their kids through threats and punishments, or through bribes and rewards. All consequences for behaviour - good or bad - are distributed through the unilateral arbiter of what is right and wrong in the house (the mum or dad). If I were to be authoritarian with Ella, I would offer her a goody for using her school bag rather than the back pack. If the goody were not enticing enough, I would make it bigger (using my power to do so), or I would suggest 'consequences' (read: punishments) if she chose not to comply (again using my power). 

Research shows that when parenting becomes about power, there is a clear array of outcomes in children's lives: 

• First, relationships suffer. 

• Second, kids become sneaky. They make sure they don't get caught doing the wrong things and they manipulate situations so they do get caught doing the right things. 
• Third, kids learn to behave because of external factors rather than internal, autonomous factors. 
• Fourth, because morality is externally imposed, kids take longer to develop an internal sense of what is right and wrong and WHY. 
• Fifth, kids whose parents use power to get things done have a model of 'power' in relationships. These kids are more likely to use power, threats, and bribes in their own relationships with friends, peers, and others in the playground. As you can imagine, such interactions are not positive in the long term. 

But surely there should be consequences, I hear you say. Kids can't just do as they please. 

Research clearly shows that our children need limits to grow up healthy and balanced. But the way those limits and their attendant consequences are experienced by children is key in determining how their sense of morality is developed. 

Authoritative Parenting 

Authoritative parents do things a little differently. 

Authoritative parents are less interested in their children's compliance and more interested in the development of their child's character. As a result, authoritative parents set limits by working with their children rather than doing things to their children. They talk with them, understand them, listen to them. They are warm. And they believe that children have answers inside themselves. The research evidence is clear here too. Children who are raised with authoritative parents who set limits democratically and respond to them with warmth do better academically and socially. They feel more worthy, and confident. They may be more mature and have higher emotional intelligence. Their sense of morality and moral development is accelerated. They are empathic and compassionate. 

Back to Ella 

Because of my commitments during the morning, I asked Kylie to go and work with Ella. School had already started but the bag issue meant Ella was late. Kylie was a little flustered but agreed to sit with Ella. They talked. Kylie asked some questions. Then she waited. Patiently. Ella opened her school bag. It smelled bad. She was embarrassed by the smell but couldn't find the problem. Together they searched for - and ultimately found - the smelliest leftover food Kylie had ever seen. It was unidentifiable. Problem solved? Kylie thought so, but patiently asked Ella if she felt like she could take her bag to school now. Over the next ten minutes Kylie discovered the food had nothing to do with Ella's desire to take a different bag. Instead it came down to this: Ella told Kylie she feels unliked, unwanted, and unpopular at school. She felt as though having a new bag might increase the other students' interest in her. She might be a bit more popular today. Ella is not being bullied. She's just feeling like she has no friends. Our little angel needs love, friendship, and compassion. 

Contrasting the two views 

If we believe that kids are supposed to comply, that it's our job to make them obedient, then we'll use punishments and rewards (read: consequences) to make them do our bidding. And in so doing we'll miss the opportunities that exist for us to become involved (positively) in the important details of our children's lives. 

An emphasis on compliance and consequences - which is what authoritarian parenting is all about - means we essentially ignore the reasons for our children's behaviours. Often those reasons are deep, painful, and important. Instead, we threaten and bribe, oblivious to our children's internal challenges. 

An emphasis on developing character in our children leads to an authoritative approach. If we believe that our children's sometimes less-than-civil behaviour, backchatting, attitude, and temper is something for us to work with and understand, our approach will allow us to work together to find solutions to problem behaviours that may not even require consequences once we understand why they are happening.