Teens, Intimacy, and Later Life

Roughly one third of teenagers have experienced intercourse by the time they are between the ages of 15-17. Some studies suggest this number may be higher. For close to twenty years, researchers have gathered evidence that indicates that the age of an adolescent's first sexual experience may be strongly related to risk of divorce.

Reasons for this include:

• Younger initial intimacy increases the number of partners a person will have, and the more partners a person has, the greater the risk of marriage break-up (when marriage finally occurs). 
• Younger sexual debut can be risky in terms of pregnancy. Teen mothers have a very high risk of divorcing their husbands. These relationships can work, but the numbers are very much against them. Even if a pregnancy is not carried to term, or the child is adopted, the experience is strongly linked to increased risk of later divorce. 
• There is some evidence that premarital sex, particularly when it begins early (such as in mid adolescence) can strongly and negatively impact on whether or not a person will form a stable relationship at all. 
• Poor relationship quality has been found among those who began intimate relationships early. In a study published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family some interesting new findings were reported. 

First, it was confirmed that among girls aged 16-17, their sexual debut (this is the term researchers use to define loss of virginity) was again linked to marital dissolution. But it appeared to happen indirectly. For example, statistical analysis indicated that early debut led to more partners and greater likelihood of pregnancy. It seemed that these were the key drivers for later divorce - but only in the event that the intimacy was wanted. For girls where the relationship occurred without them being either fully committed to the idea, or without their consent, there was a direct link to later divorce, even if no further partners or pregnancy occurred. Another study published only one month before, using entirely different data and written by different researchers, reported that marital satisfaction and relationship quality were higher when couples waited for marriage, compared with couples who were intimate before the vows were said. Intimacy was also reported to be "better" when statistical comparisons were made on survey data from over 2000 couples. A lot of this sounds old-fashioned - perhaps even wowser-ish - but the research is sending a clear message - one that may resonate with many parents as they reflect on what they want for their children.

Dr Mark Regnerus, a sociologist and expert in intimacy indicated "Couples who hit the honeymoon too early, that is, prioritise sex promptly at the outset of a relationship, often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy". The evidence since the mid 1990's sends a message that parents should heed: teenagers would do well to be taught and encouraged to remain abstinent for as long as possible if they wish to have successful later relationships.

Here are some simple tips to help teach your children about the 'timing' of their debut:

1. Have frank, regular discussions with your children about intimacy and relationships. Have 'the talk' often, and cover a range of topics.
2. Be honest. Tell them how you feel. If you made mistakes, avoid specific detail, but let them know how you feel about those mistakes and what you learned from them.
3. Discuss research like the studies described in this post with them. Help them to understand that their decisions now will heavily impact their lives later.
4. Ask them what matters most to them in a relationship and help them work toward achieving those goals, rather than emphasising physical connection only and leaving other aspects of their relationships 'under developed'.
5. Keep the talk positive. When intimacy is right and good, it is one of the greatest and most meaningful and wonderful things in life. But it has to be right and good to be positive. Make sure that your emphasis is less on the mechanics and the physical, and more on the emotional. Sex is undeniably physical, but it is really only positive and meaningful when it is emotional. Help your teen understand that such a behaviour must be motivated by deep emotional feelings from BOTH parties. These things take TIME to develop.

Regardless of what research says, people will make their choices on this one for themselves. But frank conversations that consider the scientifically known outcomes of adolescent intimacy can only be helpful. Based on the best information available today, we KNOW that the longer people wait - in any relationship - the better.