Why ANGER doesn’t Change Children’s Behaviour ?

Recently I spent some time with a father who struggles to control his anger towards his children. He described a scene that had played out in his home shortly before our conversation: 

My teenage daughter said something really cruel to her sister. Super cruel. So her sister is balling her eyes out and I ask what’s wrong, and she tells me her big sister has said this really nasty, hurtful thing to her. And I just lost it, like I always do. I raced into the room where the teenager was, and I’m like shouting at her, and I backed her into a corner and was slapping her arms, and then SHE tells me to stop abusing her. She doesn’t know what abuse is. 

As we reviewed this unhappy incident, I asked the father what the outcome of his anger had been? Had his daughter learned the lesson that he had hoped to teach her? 

He speculated about whether his point had gotten through. 

I asked him to stop speculating, and describe the outcome of his anger – the immediate repercussions. How did he feel? 

How did his daughter feel? 

His response was slow in forming, but insightful. He said The immediate outcome was that I acted like a jerk. I went off. For her, I think that I probably created a sense of anger in her towards me – maybe even hatred. And all she could think about was self-preservation. 

I asked what happened when he walked away? 

She packed up her school bag and ran away to go to school, but it was like an hour early or something stupid like that. She just took off and wouldn’t come back. 

My next question was “What outcome did you want?” 

He responded that he wanted her to stop being cruel to her little sister. When I asked if that was all he wanted, he nodded, and then hesitated. Then he said I wanted her to not just stop it. I wanted her to know that behaviour like that is not tolerated in our house. 

We talked about the long term outcomes from such a scenario, where anger is used as the ‘teaching tool’ of a parent. 

He had more insights: 

When I’m angry she doesn’t hear what I say. 

When I’m angry I betray her trust in me as her dad 

When I’m angry all I really do is harm my own relationship with her 

When I’m angry I’m ineffective as a teacher I added that if we want behaviour to be internalised and to become automatic, we’re not going to get there through anger. 

What do we do instead? 

Instead of shouting, threatening, and backing our kids into a corner when they do the wrong thing, we need to be patient, soft, gentle, kind, and we need to talk with love. This is particularly difficult to do when we’re angry! But for effective teaching, and for relationships to remain intact, anger is ineffective and counterproductive. Love, patience, kindness, and thoughtful questions (out of the heat of the moment) are far more likely to lead to effective teaching, and internalised morals on the part of our children – especially when they’re teens. This dad’s anger led to insights and improvements. What can your anger teach you, and how can you manage it so that you can be an effective parent? 

Keeping Your Children Safe

Some months ago as my eldest daughter walked home from the local shop, she was followed by two men in a white van. She felt unsafe. She pulled out her phone and dialled our number, and as she did so, she walked into the front yard of a stranger’s house and made her way to their front door. She knocked on the door and, as the van drove away, she spoke to me on the phone and explained what had happened. At the same time, the owner of the house opened the door, heard the conversation, and allowed my daughter to remain on the front patio until I arrived (which took about 90 seconds!) 

During the past few weeks in the city in which our family lives, there has been a spate of attempted abductions and assaults on children aged around ten and younger. Similar incidents have been reported around Australia with some ending far worse than others. 

As a result of these terrible incidents I’ve had numerous media requests to discuss the best way to keep our children safe. These notes are the basis of the comments I’ve made. I recommend you find an evening to sit down and talk with your kids about their safety. 

The stats 

In Australia in 2010-2011 there were just under 240 000 reports of suspected child abuse and neglect. Authorities were able to gain evidence to confirm close to 40 000 of those cases. Around 35% of those cases were sexual and physical abuse. The remainder were cases of neglect and/or emotional and psychological abuse. Girls are more than three times as likely to be sexually abused than boys. Boys are more likely to be victims of violent behaviour. And age matters. While all abuse is a travesty, I find it tragic that the most abused group is children under the age of one year old (at a rate of 12 children per 1000). Children aged between one and four years are the next most vulnerable and abused group (at a rate of about 7 in 1000). Of course, these figures do not tell the whole story. We know that a significant amount of abuse occurs without ever being reported. Around 12% of adult women and close to 5% of adult men in Australia acknowledge having been abused (sexually) as children. 

According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, sexual abuse is most likely to be perpetrated by someone known to the child. In fact, in close to 90% of cases, the offender is known and trusted. Here’s the breakdown: 

• a male relative (other than the victim’s father or stepfather; 30.2%) 
• a family friend (16.3%) 
• an acquaintance or neighbour (15.6%) 
• another known person (15.3%) 
• or the father or stepfather (13.5%) 

The remaining 10% of cases (or thereabouts) are cases where the offender is a stranger. 

There is a small gender difference in the data presented above that is noteworthy… the percentage of abuse by strangers is higher for boys than it is for girls, while the percentage of girls abused by people known to them is far higher than it is for boys. Lastly, the statistics and other research seem to point to something particularly concerning: a large percentage of abuse is spontaneous and unplanned. In other words, a (usually) male friend or relative has an unexpected circumstance presented to him where abuse can occur and for some demented reason, he pursues it. Studies seem to indicate that opportunism is a key factor in abuse occurring. 

Stranger Danger – a misnomer? 

 Keeping the above data in mind, the idea that we should be teaching our children Stranger Danger seems a little odd. Our kids are at greater risk from people we know and trust. Yes, it’s true that some strangers are dangerous. But our kids have to interact with strangers all the time. Sometimes it might be a bus driver or shop assistant. Someone might just feel like chatting with the kids in the park. To teach our children to beware of all strangers may not only frighten them, but may actually go against them at a time when they might otherwise need that stranger’s help. Black and white rules about stranger danger can be confusing. 

Here are five things to teach your children about strangers: 

• Most strangers are good people, but that doesn’t mean we should be too trusting 
• If you are ever approached by a stranger, always check with your parents before doing anything with that stranger 
• If you are going somewhere with a stranger (for some currently unanticipated reason), always stay in public 
• There may be some instances, perhaps if you got lost or needed help, where you need to go to a stranger. If you do need to talk to a stranger, it’s always best to look for a mum with children and ask her for help. 
• If you ever feel unsafe, like a stranger is following you, find another adult and explain what you are scared of. Because most strangers are safe, if you ask for help you’re very likely to get it. But if you are invited into someone’s house, always say no and just stay on the doorstep. 

We should also teach a few common sense rules about strangers: 

• If you feel unsafe, move away from strangers 
• If a stranger promises you something really cool, like lollies, games, or butterflies, lizards, snakes, or whatever, say no and move away. 
• If a stranger (or any adult) ever grabs you or touches you in a way that makes you scared, scream the following words: “Stop it! Help! Don’t touch me!” And scream them LOUD! 

But what about people we know? 

Based on the statistics, the really tricky teaching needs to be around keeping our kids safe from people we know and would prefer to trust. The best things to teach your kids are: 

• My body is mine 
• No one should ever, ever touch the private parts of my body If anyone tries to touch me I should loudly say “Stop it! Help! Don’t touch me!” 
• If a person tells me to keep a secret that relates to private parts of my body, I should remember that they’re wrong. I should tell my mum immediately. 
• If a person says anything to me or does anything to me (or my body) that leaves me feeling bad, yucky, or guilty, I should tell my parents – even if I’m scared about it. 

Our children are innocent. The people they know and trust should be protecting them. Use these tips to clearly teach your children how to act with strangers and with people they know. Let me finish with one quick story from many years ago… When a family friend was a young girl, she told her mum that she had been sexually abused be a relative. The mother listened to every word from her young daughter’s mouth. After taking it all in the mother slapped the girl in the face and warned her never to say anything about that incident again. Such an attitude cannot be allowed to continue. Our children have a right to protection. Please, keep them safe.

How do I Deal With an Angry Child?

This email came through to me last week: 

“Hi Dr Justin 

“Would love some tips on helping my 6 yr old unpack his anger. 

“We try and encourage him to use his words as much as possible, with a pretty good hit rate. We try to model the same (as much as we can remember to! At the moment we get a lot of stamping off, shouting & screaming (just leave me alone), hitting back (esp if his 4 yr old sister is winding him up!) etc. 

“Our current approach is "It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to (hit, scream at mummy etc). If you are feeling angry, take yourself to your room or the bathroom to calm down. Come back when you feel ready.' When he's ready we try and have a chat about what made him so cross & give him some options to try next time if he feels himself getting wound up. 

“Any suggestions welcome because it seems to be happening regularly at the moment & I'm finding it a bit exasperating! 

My response: 

 There are few things more exasperating than dealing with an out-of-control, angry child. Staying cool amid temper tantrums, screaming and shouting, foot-stomping, door-slamming uninhibited aggression directed at you is no easy task! 

 Remain calm – emotions are contagious 

I generally agree with what you’re doing to work with your son as he deals with his anger. It’s great that you refrain from being angry. When we get angry at our children’s anger, we simply model anger as an acceptable response to things we don’t like. Remaining calm and in control of our own emotions is an important first step to getting this right. 

You may have noticed that when your children are angry, the natural response is to be angry as well. Emotions are contagious. We mirror what we experience from others. Unfortunately our natural responses are often unhelpful. And anger falls into that category… plus, it is addictive. The power that comes from our anger appears to solve our problems (at least in the short term), so we rely on it more. Being calm is the first critical step to helping our children control their anger. 

Ask questions to teach 

When your son is verbally and physically aggressive, I’d recommend some intervention. It may not always be possible in the heat of the moment. As you would have experienced, children don’t typically respond well to guidance when they are angry. It is often best to wait until things are calm and then have a reasoned discussion about the issue. I always recommend that we ask questions more than we give answers/lectures. By so doing, we can work out what our child understands and then just fill in the gaps. We also encourage them to do the thinking, which encourages internalisation of rules much more effectively than when they do the listening. 

Parents are not for hitting 

Some limits need to be set immediately. If your son is hitting, he needs to understand what hands are for, and what they are not for. Clearly let him know 

“Mummy is not for hitting.” 

Other phrases, such as “Hands are for helping and being kind” can be useful to point out what is expected rather than simply emphasising what is disallowed. 

Emotions are ok, behaviour is not 

You seem to have a fairly good handle on this principle. I might suggest taking it a little further. Once your son is calm, talk about anger. Talk about how it’s normal to feel anger, but it’s not ok to act out in anger. Then, ask him to develop strategies and solutions for working through that anger. See if you can both identify ways that anger can be reduced, and problems can be worked on in appropriate ways. 

Remember that anger costs 

There are few if any times that anger might be beneficial in any way in our relationships with our children, our spouse, our parents, our colleagues... in fact, when we consider how anger plays out, it seems to be the perfect description of 'wholly unhelpful' in any context. 

Responding to our children’s anger can be one of our greatest parenting challenges. It is tempting to show them who’s boss, to put them in their place, to chastise them for their ingratitude and lack of emotional regulation, and to generally dress them down and tell them to shape up. 

However our patient responses, examples of kindness, and continued gentle guidance will do far more to help our children learn to regulate their anger than our angry responses. Being calm, working through emotions via careful, sensitive questions and discussion, and clear, firm limit-setting are the best antidotes to anger.

Taking Marriage for Granted?

Last Thursday was Valentine’s Day. It’s a day where, traditionally, couples celebrate their love and devotion to one another by doing something romantic – writing special love notes, buying gifts, eating out.

Valentine’s Day is something that I have typically scoffed at. I don’t need a day to re-pledge my love to my wife. I believe that I do that every single day. I do it with every hug, kiss, or touch. I do it with every “I love you” and every “thank you.” , and I especially don’t need that day to be packaged and wrapped deeply in commercialism.

A Fresh Perspective
This year, I’ve had a change of heart.

 It was only a small thing, but it dawned on me that, in spite of our regular dates, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show that I am not taking my wife for granted. It’s something I never thought I would do. But I think that on some level, and in spite of our deep love and affection for one another, I have come to simply accept and expect that Kylie will be there each morning, and that she will do her ‘jobs’ as I do mine, and that things won’t change.

The realisation of just how easy it becomes to take our spouses for granted hit me when I asked my friends what they were doing for Valentine’s Day. I could categorise the responses into three separate types of response – the annoyed, the apathetic, and the busy:

“I don’t need a commercialised day of public devotion where I’m supposed to spend money or time on my spouse. How pathetic.”

“Pfft. Nothing. He knows I love him. I cook his meals and clean for him. If he wants to do something for Valentine’s Day it’s up to him.”

“We have a meeting, plus I’m organising that thing for Friday, etc etc”

In fact, as I asked around, I didn’t speak to anyone at all who had plans for Valentine’s Day… until I bumped into some newlywed friends of mine who had arranged for a picnic. Something there perhaps? Young love doesn’t take itself for granted?

Celebrating Love

If we don’t celebrate our relationships, invest in them, and make them a priority, they fall apart. They simply have to. For anything to flourish and thrive – or even to simply keep working – we have to service it, maintain it, give it attention. And in no place is this more evident than in our family relationships.

I’ll admit it. Where once Kylie and I used to stand on the balcony and wave to one another as we drove out of the driveway (after kissing like we might never see one another again), nowadays we often fail to even kiss. In fact, oftentimes we are so distracted that we barely look up from the computer or whatever task it is that occupies our attention.

This Valentine’s Day just gone has been a reminder to me that we need to celebrate our love. And we show that best through time and attention.

A prominent psychologist had been married to her husband about a year. Her birthday was approaching and she told him:

“I’m not mercenary, but I like a good present.”
His response was something along the lines of “Isn’t it the thought that counts.” To which she replied That’s what people say when they don’t want to put thought into it.

” While some might argue that we don’t need Valentine’s Day, with it’s crass commercialism and shallow pronunciations of ‘love’, we do need to celebrate our love. February 14 is a great time to start, but we can and should be finding little things to do every day – literally every day – that demonstrate those same feelings.

How did we celebrate?

A tasty long lunch, a romantic dinner for seven (Kylie and I plus our five kids) in our dining room with the kids, and a promise to kiss and wave goodbye on the balcony whenever one of us leaves.

Kylie and I have been married 15 years next month. We love each other deeply. In spite of our time together, our children, and our commitment and love for one another it’s easy to become complacent in our relationship. But happy families are incompatible with taking one another for granted.

Watching others and changing the way we do things made this Valentine’s Day a great reminder that love needs continued momentum to grow stronger.

What do you think of Valentine’s Day?
Did you celebrate, or do you see it as just another one of those triumphs of commercialism over common sense?

Are You a Snow Plow Parent?

Jen (not her real name) was mortified. Her eight year-old daughter, Maddy (also not her real name) had burst through the front door bawling her eyes out after her first day of school. After sobbing on her mum’s shoulder for several minutes, Maddy had finally been able to explain that third grade class allocations had left her in a room without her three best friends. She only had one friend in the new class.

Jen was livid. (I laughed when she told me, until I realised she was serious.) She stormed down the street to her daughter’s school, entered the administration building and demanded her daughter be placed in the same class as her best friends.

A taxonomy of parenting types

In recent years we have experienced an explosion in clever names for various parenting-types. Helicopter parents ‘hover’ over their children, paying close attention to anything and everything that comes into their environment, keeping them safe at all costs. Tiger mums over-parent in a different way, pushing their children to be ‘all that they can be’, driving them harder and harder towards mastery in spite of protestations and developmental norms.

Snow plow parents are another type of (arguably) over-invested parent who believe it is their role to smooth the path for their kids, pushing all of the obstacles out of the way so that they don’t have to endure hardships, bumps, and other difficulties along their ‘path’ of life. It’s another form of ‘taking control’, with an emphasis on making sure we do whatever it takes to be certain our kids have successes without needing to fail.

Is there a problem with that?

All of these parents want the best for their kids, like all parents. The difficulty lies in the way they try to bring ‘the best’ about. In all three cases, the parent appears unwilling to allow the child to experience setback and failure. In fact, the parents seems unwilling to allow the child to do anything at all that they might not do perfectly. 

“Can’t make your bed properly? That’s ok… I’ll do it so it’s perfect. 

“Struggling with your homework project? Here, let me handle that. I’ll ‘help’. 

“Your friends don’t think the phone you’ve got is cool enough? Alright, I’ll get you a touchphone.” 

I’m not advocating that we should make our kids suffer. I’m not suggesting we should leave them hanging by a thread and let them figure it all out on their own… but would that be such a bad thing if they were left dangling (figuratively speaking) and had to work out how to hang on or where to land? 

Snow plow parenting promotes helplessness in kids 

The quicker we push obstacles out of the way, the more our children rely on us to continue to do precisely that. They stop thinking for themselves. They don’t see themselves as people with the capacity to ‘act’. Instead, they feel that life will ‘act on them’, or that we will ‘act for them.’ Neither response to challenge is helpful. Neither response leads to development. 

Teaching competence to our children 

What are the times you have felt most competent or felt you had achieved something worthwhile? Was it when you were better than everyone? When you were in your element and were surrounded by supportive people? When everything worked out just right and you aced it? 

Or did you feel most competent – like you had achieved something great – that time where you felt entirely isolated, where you felt like you barely had a clue how to do it, but you stuck at it. You were tenacious. You dug deep and found some determination to not let that thing beat you, even though you were doing it on your own? 

While both feel good, I bet I know which one felt better. It was the one where you didn’t know if you’d get through it… the one where you encountered challenge upon challenge, and setback after setback. You probably failed, made mistakes, had to start over, and maybe even had a little cry in your pillow. 

But at the end, after you pushed through it, the feeling of having achieved something hard was yours to savour. It made you stronger, more independent, and left you feeling more capable. 

That is what makes for successful kids. Not parents who get all the hard stuff out of the way for them. 

What to do about it? Kids having a hard time with their musical instrument of choice? Son not wanting to keep playing that sport he begged to play? Or not in the right class with their friends at school? Or failing a subject? Or fighting with a best friend? 

While we don’t want to torture our children and go all ‘tiger mum’ on them, this is where we have the opportunity to teach them about challenges and failures while they are young. 

What can we do about it? 

1. Teach them that anything worthwhile takes effort 
2. Teach them that everyone fails and that’s ok. What matters is what you do next. 
3. Be patient, compassionate, supportive – and firm. 
4. Promote the idea that learning and mastery matter more than results 
5. After they’ve genuinely ‘seen it through’, let them decide. 

Is there ever a time that we should remove obstacles from our kids’ path? When have you wanted to, but held back?

Five Things Every Parent Should Say to Their Kids as Often as Possible

In a recent post I shared five things that every parent should avoid saying to their kids. It left me feeing pretty lousy. It’s one thing to focus on the negative, and we need to go there from time to time. But if we’re going to eliminate the negative it’s nice to know what to replace it with.

So, here are five things we might focus on saying to our children as often as possible.

Thank you

Gratitude is a powerful motivator. It makes our kids feel appreciated. And saying thank you also models manners and gratitude for them to follow. Saying thanks and explaining why you’re saying it can have a powerful impact on a relationship between parent and child.

I’m sorry. I’m still learning, just like you

Parents who act like they’re the finished product who are simply there to impart wisdom to their children leave their children feeling judged and imperfect. But when we acknowledge our mistakes and describe how we are learning to be better people because of those mistakes, our children learn that it’s ok to admit fault and try again. This is a powerful and important lesson for our kids.

I watched how much effort you put in – you seemed to give it all you had Because parents want their children to succeed, it can be easy to always ask for more, demanding ever increasing levels of performance. The pursuit of perfection will always lead to disappointment. However, when we let our kids know we saw how hard they tried, and let them know we are satisfied while ever they do their best, they’ll be inspired to try – and they won’t feel bad if they fail. Instead, they’ll be open to learning how to do better.

I love you

Every child should hear this every day. But they shouldn’t just hear it. They need to see and experience evidence of it in all of their interactions with us.

As we say more of these beautiful and important things, and fewer of those harmful things, our kids are more likely to grow up feeling secure, confident, happy, and loved.

What do you think?

If we want to have responsible children, they need to be given responsibility. One of the most powerful ways to help them become responsible is to stop telling them what to do, and instead, to ask them what they think they should do. Then we can encourage them (or gently guide them). By asking them what they think, our children also develop a trust in their own opinions, ideas, and instincts.