Teens, Intimacy, and Later Life

Roughly one third of teenagers have experienced intercourse by the time they are between the ages of 15-17. Some studies suggest this number may be higher. For close to twenty years, researchers have gathered evidence that indicates that the age of an adolescent's first sexual experience may be strongly related to risk of divorce.

Reasons for this include:

• Younger initial intimacy increases the number of partners a person will have, and the more partners a person has, the greater the risk of marriage break-up (when marriage finally occurs). 
• Younger sexual debut can be risky in terms of pregnancy. Teen mothers have a very high risk of divorcing their husbands. These relationships can work, but the numbers are very much against them. Even if a pregnancy is not carried to term, or the child is adopted, the experience is strongly linked to increased risk of later divorce. 
• There is some evidence that premarital sex, particularly when it begins early (such as in mid adolescence) can strongly and negatively impact on whether or not a person will form a stable relationship at all. 
• Poor relationship quality has been found among those who began intimate relationships early. In a study published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family some interesting new findings were reported. 

First, it was confirmed that among girls aged 16-17, their sexual debut (this is the term researchers use to define loss of virginity) was again linked to marital dissolution. But it appeared to happen indirectly. For example, statistical analysis indicated that early debut led to more partners and greater likelihood of pregnancy. It seemed that these were the key drivers for later divorce - but only in the event that the intimacy was wanted. For girls where the relationship occurred without them being either fully committed to the idea, or without their consent, there was a direct link to later divorce, even if no further partners or pregnancy occurred. Another study published only one month before, using entirely different data and written by different researchers, reported that marital satisfaction and relationship quality were higher when couples waited for marriage, compared with couples who were intimate before the vows were said. Intimacy was also reported to be "better" when statistical comparisons were made on survey data from over 2000 couples. A lot of this sounds old-fashioned - perhaps even wowser-ish - but the research is sending a clear message - one that may resonate with many parents as they reflect on what they want for their children.

Dr Mark Regnerus, a sociologist and expert in intimacy indicated "Couples who hit the honeymoon too early, that is, prioritise sex promptly at the outset of a relationship, often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy". The evidence since the mid 1990's sends a message that parents should heed: teenagers would do well to be taught and encouraged to remain abstinent for as long as possible if they wish to have successful later relationships.

Here are some simple tips to help teach your children about the 'timing' of their debut:

1. Have frank, regular discussions with your children about intimacy and relationships. Have 'the talk' often, and cover a range of topics.
2. Be honest. Tell them how you feel. If you made mistakes, avoid specific detail, but let them know how you feel about those mistakes and what you learned from them.
3. Discuss research like the studies described in this post with them. Help them to understand that their decisions now will heavily impact their lives later.
4. Ask them what matters most to them in a relationship and help them work toward achieving those goals, rather than emphasising physical connection only and leaving other aspects of their relationships 'under developed'.
5. Keep the talk positive. When intimacy is right and good, it is one of the greatest and most meaningful and wonderful things in life. But it has to be right and good to be positive. Make sure that your emphasis is less on the mechanics and the physical, and more on the emotional. Sex is undeniably physical, but it is really only positive and meaningful when it is emotional. Help your teen understand that such a behaviour must be motivated by deep emotional feelings from BOTH parties. These things take TIME to develop.

Regardless of what research says, people will make their choices on this one for themselves. But frank conversations that consider the scientifically known outcomes of adolescent intimacy can only be helpful. Based on the best information available today, we KNOW that the longer people wait - in any relationship - the better.

What Does Your Child Look Like?

If your children could see themselves through your eyes, what would they see? In a local park I recently overheard a conversation between two parents. "He's such a terror!" "She's a totally spoiled little brat." "This child is driving me crazy." It was an eye-opening moment, because when I looked at their children I saw a helpful girl playing with a younger sibling, an energetic boy laughing and running and climbing with excitement, and a child who wanted to share his playtime with his mum. 

The way we 'frame' a situation, or a person, heavily influences our interactions. If we consistently see our children as frustrating impediments in what would otherwise be a well-ordered life, then every interaction with our children will be marred by that default view. Such a view promotes a deficit-orientation towards a family. It reduces motivation on the part of parents to help their 'good-for-nothing' 'bratty' 'ungrateful' children. And unsurprisingly, such an approach is hardly inspiring for children. They feed off the negativity of parental perception and typically live up to precisely what is expected of them... which is not much. 

Conversely, seeing our children as people - real people - who we value, and who bring positives to our family and our lives ensures that our interactions with them can be far more positive. We take a strengths approach, stating what we value and appreciate in them, and sharing those positives. We consider things that they are good at and invite them to develop those attributes. We give them opportunities and acknowledge their contribution. 

We decide whether the glass is half full or half empty. This is not to be naive or ignorant of shortcomings and concerns. When we see a half-full glass, we can still recognise that it is not completely full, and we can help to remedy that in appropriate ways. But it does make a big difference. If you see your child as talented, helpful, and willing to think of others, you'll see those traits exhibited more. If you see your child as selfish, a non-contributor, and rude, it's amazing how often those attributes will be evident - often prompted by the expectations of those around her. 

Are your children angels, or terrorists? Are they a delight, or delinquent? Are they a pain or a pleasure? They can be either, but if we choose to see them as angels, as a delight, and as a pleasure, then they most likely will be. 

Your children can see themselves the way that you see them. What are they seeing?

When Your Child Is The Bully

I extended my argument to suggest that mobile phones and other technology may exacerbate bullying. This sickening story and footage underscore precisely the point I was making. (Warning - significant violence and highly distressing images)

A Yr 10 boy who has repeatedly been the target of bullying was punched in the face and hit several times by a Yr 7 boy while his friends filmed the taunting, ready for publication on facebook. After a few moments and several more punches, the Yr 10 boy retaliated and threw the tormenter to the ground, breaking his ankle. Would this bullying have occurred were it not for video phones and facebook? Possibly. But possibly not. However, this technology has brought the real dangers of bullying directly into our homes. And the images it presents are serious and need to be dealt with. I watched this video and was close to tears. I felt so saddened that our children feel that it is appropriate to treat one another this way. At the end of this week it is the National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence. This occurrence is a reminder of just how much it matters that parents work to improve things for their children.

What can YOU do if your child is the bully?

I suggest three things:

1. Don't be a bully yourself
Do not, under any circumstance, attempt to use your own power to "make" your child change his or her behaviour. This only reinforces the idea that might is right. It sounds logical enough. But if your child was involved in the horrendous act described above, it would be a great challenge to not be angry, make threats, remove privileges, and dole out punishments. 'Consequences' is a common euphemism for a parent punishing a child. Ultimately, however, this type of behaviour is undeniably a form of bullying. It is unlikely to do any constructive teaching.

2. Use perspective taking.
This will need to be done in two ways. First, you might try to understand how your child is feeling. What is causing him or her to act as a bully? Imagine you were her. Try to see what life is like as your child. Talk it through together. Second, encourage your child to imagine what it is like to be the person who is bullied each day. Have them see the world through the eyes of the victim. This process is a challenging one. You may struggle to take your child's perspective accurately. And your child may become defensive when considering how another person feels. Take your time. Work slowly and compassionately. Results may take a very long time to be forthcoming. Hint: It may be a good idea to have such a conversation while you go for a walk together. Being in public may help keep strong emotions more regulated. And walking together may promote more meaningful, useful conversation. The following story is from a NYT article about cyberbullying(here) One afternoon two years ago, Judy, a recent widow in Palm Beach County, Fla., who had been finishing her college degree, helping a professor research cyberbullying, and working in an office, got a call from the school. “Your daughter is involved in a cyberbullying incident,” the assistant principal said. “Come down immediately.” Her daughter and two others had made a MySpace page about another middle-schooler, saying she was a “whore,” with a finger pointing to her private parts. The young teenagers printed out copies and flung them at students. Judy rushed to school. Her daughter, a sweet, straight-A student, was waiting in the guidance counselor’s office, her arms crossed defiantly. “I said to her, ‘This is a human being,’ ” Judy recalled. “ ‘This girl will be destroyed for the rest of her life!’ And my daughter just said: ‘I don’t care. It’s all true.’ And I bawled while she just sat there.” The school suspended Judy’s daughter for three days. “I did not call the target, I’m ashamed to say,” Judy recalled. “I didn’t know how to get hold of her. The school wouldn’t give me her name, and my daughter wouldn’t talk to me.” Once Judy got over her shock, she said, “I had to accept that my daughter had really done this and it was so ugly.” Judy took away her daughter’s computer, television and cellphone for months. She tried talking with her. Nothing. There were weeks of screaming and slammed doors. Meanwhile, the girl’s grades dropped. She was caught with marijuana. Judy realized that her daughter had long been bottling up many family stressors: illness and death, financial worries, her mother’s exhausting schedule. In reaction, the girl had been misbehaving, including doing the very thing her mother found so abhorrent: cyberbullying. In time, as Judy took long walks with her daughter, the girl began to resemble the child Judy thought she had known. When her daughter’s grades improved, Judy bought her a puppy. “A lot of people will disagree with me,” Judy said, “but I thought, this is a way for her to be responsible for something other than herself, something that would be dependent on her for all its needs.” The girl doted on the puppy. One day, Judy asked: “ ‘Would you want anyone to be mean to your dog? Throw rocks at Foxy?’ ” Her daughter recoiled. Judy continued: “ ‘How do you think other parents feel when something mean happens to their children?’ Then she broke down crying. That’s when I think she finally understood what she had done.”

The process will not be a fast one in many cases. But perspective taking is the ONLY way that a child who is bullying will ever really understand what has happened and be motivated to cease.

3. Show your child that you love them.

This simply means that your child probably needs more of you now than ever before. It is a FACT that the times that our children are the LEAST lovable are the times that they need us MOST. If your child is being a bully they need you now more than ever before... not as a judge, advice-giver, or critic. Rather they need you as a parent, confidant, model, and guide. None of these things are easy. None of these steps will bring immediate results. But chances are, over time, they will be far more effective than any other method of 'discipline' - because these methods teach what is appropriate.

Please share this article, and do all you can to ensure that no child you know ever experiences anything remotely close to the incidents described above.

Discover the Power of Play

A six years-old boy received a surprise gift from his father... a car.

A car???

His father decided not to re-register his old broken down second car. Rather than selling it to the wreckers for $200 he parked it in a corner of the backyard, removed the fuel, secured the car so it could not roll away, and then handed his son the keys. That year, the six year-old drove his mother from Sydney to Melbourne, then to Brisbane, and across Australia time and again. He drove his dad to the beach, to the mountains, and even to New Zealand! Each trip only took around ten minutes, but those trips created lasting memories for an imaginative boy and his parents. Play should be about exploration, imagination, wonder. Ideally it will not be a quick, marketable, purchasable product that is structured toward ‘outcomes’. Play – real play – is about spontaneity, discovery, and creativity. Play – the old-fashioned kind – is a lifelong skill that builds and satisfies curiosity, broadens the way we think, reduces stress, and boosts energy levels. Kids have an innate sense of play and desire to play. Adults ‘grow out of it’, or become inhibited and so will not play.

Play is not just for kids. Grown-ups – even the parent kind – benefit from play as much as children, if not more. Children (and grown-ups) need to learn the skill of play. And research shows that the family is the best place to learn those skills.

How Play Benefits Your Child

Play aids in children’s development in several important ways:

 Communication

Play provides opportunities for children to develop speech and language abilities, and also to practice listening. Whether their play is companion-based with a sibling, peer, or parent, or solo play using imagination, children talk and listen while playing. It can be exciting to hear your child sitting in the family room interacting with toys and hearing her play one character, then another, as the toys interact. It can be invigorating to watch your son dress up as a superhero and save the bath toys from the evil emperor. It was meaningful for a mother to sit in a beat-up old car and listen as her son drove her around Australia.

Relationships

Play promotes social interaction, and social skills and competence. Children who play, both with parents and peers, learn how relationships work through their play experiences. The number of friendships and the quality of their friendships will also usually increase as play becomes more prevalent.

Cognitive Development

Imaginative play and role-playing are particularly powerful kinds of play that help the brain develop in more functional and positive ways. Children who engage in these kinds of play have a more sophisticated level of interaction with others and with their environment than those who do not. This is particularly evident in studies of children who watch high levels of television in comparison to children who spend more time playing.

Other benefits of play

Research shows that:

•  Children whose dads played with them were found to have greater levels of imagination and cognitive ability compared to kids whose dads were non-players. 
• Children whose mums played with them experienced more secure attachment to their mums, and enjoyed more positive development when compared to children whose mums were unavailable for play. 
• Older children who played with their parents were also more engaged in other activities, experienced positive school engagement, had positive mental health, stronger friendship networks, and enjoyed greater family closeness compared with older children without playful parents. 

How Play Benefits Parents

So how do parents benefit from this? After all, we’re the ones who are juggling the needs of the children with the demands of being ‘the responsible adult’ who doesn’t actually have time for play. It can actually be really hard to enjoy it. Lots of parents feel like it’s no fun to play at all. Dress-ups, dolls, swordfights, zhu-zhu pets, littlest pet-shops, and bouncing on the trampoline may not be your idea of good fun. Parents who play get big boosts in self-esteem, and most important, significant increases in relationship satisfaction. This goes for both playing with their children, and also being playful with other adults, particularly spouses.

Child’s play is not just for children.

From infancy to old age, play is consistently related to positive wellbeing. Put simply, play makes better, happier kids – and better, more fulfilled parents.

What Your Children Deserve Least When When They Need it Most ?

One of the most challenging paradoxes of parenthood is this:

The times our children deserve our love the least are the times they need it the most.

 Let me say that again for emphasis... the times that our children are the most demanding, the most trying, the most obnoxious, disrespectful, unkind, and simply out-and-out frustrating... those times are the times that they need us to be at our best for them, at our kindest and most compassionate for them, and at our most loving for them. When our children are doing things that we don't like we, as parents, usually make a demand for compliance.

 "Do as I say - now!"

Perhaps unsurprisingly our children resist this... for one simple reason. The law of physics demands it - force creates resistance. It happens with objects and it happens with people. Parents prefer not to have their authority questioned. So rather than considering why a child may be resisting, they up the ante, doing their best puffer-fish impersonation, and make threats. When threatened, it's not unusual for a child to respond poorly. Now we have an angry parent and a child who feels threatened and upset. If the situation escalates the parent will typically punish (in a poor attempt to 'discipline' or teach) which will only push the child further away. So here's the problem: When our children feel sad, angry, or afraid - or just plain obstinate - our responses push them further away from us. That is, when our children are at their lowest emotionally, most parents typically get upset with them! Why? Well, for one, kids' emotions are pretty inconvenient!

Second, as parents we do not like having our authority questioned. When we ask our children to do something (or tell them) we exhibit a tremendous sense of entitlement. We simply expect that it will be done/dealt with/sorted out immediately. Whether it is doing a chore, stopping a challenging behaviour, or simply being patient or calming down, when it doesn't happen we are incensed. In many ways we essentially say that: "I'm the parent and you must do as I say." This is an abuse of power and a prime example of bullying. But perhaps the main reason is that, as parents, we aren't really sure about how to deal with our children's emotions and non-compliance. When our children are upset or refuse to follow our wishes we do not know how to respond. We fail to recognise that their emotional outbursts are actually a plea for love. Their refusal to act on our wishes is a cry for attention.

 So what is the alternative? Based on the three challenges, I propose three solutions.

• First, we can see our children's emotions through a new frame of reference. Rather than seeing their emotions and refusal as inconvenient, we can recognise the opportunity for connection that they represent. 

• Second, we should encourage our authority to be questioned. Huh? Do we really want our children to question our authority? 

Yes - in the right way. Respectfully.

As parents we don't know everything so we need to stop acting like we know it all! We are angered when our children behave as though the world revolves around them, yet we expect their world to revolve around us. They may be busy playing, or be in the middle of their favourite show, or they may simply be sitting and feeling quiet. We burst into the room and demand that it be tidied, or that the dinner table be set, and so on. And we do it with little or no regard for their needs and activities. It may be true that these things need to be done - by them - but we often require it of them with no thought for what their wishes are at the moment.

• Third, and most importantly, we can respond to our children's emotions compassionately. When our children are upset, angry, even defiant, our primal response (might is right) is unhelpful. Being the big person does not give us the right to throw our weight around in order to obtain compliance or get them to toughen up. Our child's emotion is best responded to with love and kindness. Taking the time to connect with our children, help them recognise the emotions that they are feeling, and talk about things helps them to feel more comfortable with their emotions, regulate them more effectively, and feel valued, respected, and worthy as real-life people. To give love when love is 'undeserved' means parents must suspend judgment. It means we tend to emotional needs gently. We soothe and show we care. We model emotional understanding. 

As one brief example, imagine that your eight year-old is disrespectful to you. She shouts at you when you ask for help, and then tells you she hates you.

By refusing to be drawn into a power struggle, a parent might crouch beside her daughter and acknowledge the emotions being experienced.

"Wow. You seem really hurt/angry/frustrated."

By offering understanding - and perhaps even a cuddle - a child is likely to open up. It may take a few minutes. Sometimes an understanding, "Let's talk together in a minute or two when we're calm" response is appropriate. When love is felt and a child feels comfortable and valued, you can then discuss the emotion.

"I saw you were really angry earlier. Would you like to talk about it?"
"Were things difficult for you at school today?"
"I want you to know that even when you're angry I love you."

Letting your child know it is safe to have emotions will remove the fear associated with having an emotion. Children will be more comfortable feeling, identifying, and responding to their emotions. They will better regulate their emotions. And they will know that no matter what the emotion or circumstance, and no matter how undeserving they may be, they will be loved.

Resource Depletion For Parents

The white bear phenomenon is related to our mental resources and how we control them. In a series of experiments, a researcher asked two groups of participants to think about things - pretty much anything - for five minutes. One group of participants was specifically instructed to think about whatever they wanted - even white bears, should they come to mind. The other group of participants was told they could think about whatever they wanted to, but they were not to think about white bears. Both groups were then instructed that if they did happen to think about a white bear, they should make a note of it each time it happened. An interesting thing happened. Participants who were not allowed to think about white bears during that five minute period actually did think about white bears. And they thought about them more than the participants who were allowed to think about them!

Here's the kicker though:

Participants who were not supposed to think about white bears not only thought about them more during the five minute period. They also experienced intrusive thoughts of white bears for the next several minutes after the five minute period was up. It seemed that once the suppression period was over, those people relaxed their mind, and there was a flood of white bears! In psychological terms, they experienced a post-suppressional rebound. In a workshop that I run, I do this same experiment - live... but with a slight variation. Half of the room gets one set of instructions, and the other half the room gets different instructions. They just don't know it. On a piece of paper, half of the room are asked not to think about white bears while the other half is allowed to. As in the experiment, each side documents the number of times those thoughts pop up. The people who are not supposed to think about white bears generally think about them more, or at least the same number of times as those who can think about whatever they want. I then tell participants that we'll talk about that little activity later. As I'm talking, I walk around the room and place bowls of lollies on their tables. They don't know this, but I've counted how many lollies are in those bowls! Around ten minutes later I ask the participants to count the number of lollies in their bowls. Without exception, the group that was not allowed to think about white bears always eats more lollies - significantly more - than the group that was allowed to think about them!

Why?

When we force our brain to not think about something (even though we actually really struggle to do that), we deplete ourselves of resources. Our mental/cognitive resources are used up trying to push the thoughts away in exactly the same way that our muscles get tired when we hold a child for a long time. This resource depletion seems to weaken us mentally, and our resistance to other things (like more thoughts of white bears, or a bowl of lollies) is reduced.

What has this got to do with parents?

As the day wears on, we encounter challenges, difficulties, and all of the regular dramas of life. Of course, some days are easier than others, but we generally get reasonably worn down by the end of the day.

Have you ever noticed that you are not at your best at dinner time?

As the day goes on, and as the challenges of the day hit us, our resources become depleted. Our stamina and willpower are not as strong as they were earlier, when we were less tired. Whereas earlier in the day we might have been capable of responding well to our children, the ongoing effort to be civil reduces our capacity to remain civil over time. So we become snappy at the children, impatient with distractions, angry when things don't go our way. We probably would have handled those things better a few hours ago, but by day's end, we're ready to crack! If it has been a particularly difficult day, the psychological resource depletion can begin much earlier. Worse still - when we realise this and try our hardest to be at our best, we may succeed briefly, but if we don't really get ourselves rejuvenated, there can often be a rebound. We are tired, we get cranky. Then we resolve to be better. We are kind and patient and it takes all of our effort.We start to relax because we think we're doing well and then... POP! Like a balloon we explode when we're pricked at just the wrong time.

So how do we avoid resource depletion and post-suppressional rebound?

The first thing we might try, if we have the time and resources, is to give ourselves a twenty minute holiday. Find a quiet place. Take your mind to somewhere that feels peaceful and rejuvenating, and live there for 20 minutes. Perhaps there is something you are looking forward to, or something you are particularly grateful for. This kind of a mental holiday can be restorative, and may re-stock your psychological store cupboard.

Second, it can be helpful for some people to focus on really being present. This means being entirely centred on what is happening right in front of us, and letting go of judgment and thoughts about anything that has happened previously, or anything happening right now.

Third, when we are really stressed, tired, or depleted, sometimes it can be best to simply acknowledge it. Tell the family that you are not at your best. Ask for their patience. Then lower your expectations, buy some dinner (rather than cooking it), and give yourself an easy night.

Kids who are Maltreated have the Same Brain Patterns as Combat Soldiers

The article explained that children exposed to family violence show the same pattern of activity in their brains as soldiers exposed to combat. 

The study that is reported shows fMRI (functional MRI) brain scans of children who suffer physical abuse and domestic violence. The researchers found that exposure to family violence was associated with increased brain activity in two specific brain areas (the anterior insula and the amygdala) when children viewed pictures of angry faces. Previous fMRI studies that scanned the brains of soldiers exposed to violent combat situations have shown the same pattern of heightened activation in these two areas of the brain, which are associated with threat detection. 

The authors suggest that both maltreated children and soldiers may have adapted to be 'hyper-aware' of danger in their environment. However, the anterior insula and amygdala are also areas of the brain implicated in anxiety disorders. The changes that occur in the brains of children exposed to family violence are at greater risk of developing anxiety problems later in life. In the study, which is published in the journal Current Biology, 43 children had their brains scanned using an fMRI scanner. 20 children who had been exposed to documented violence at home were compared with 23 matched peers who had not experienced family violence. The average age of the maltreated children was 12 years old and they had all been referred to local social services in London. When the children were in the scanner they were presented with pictures of male and female faces showing sad, calm or angry expressions. The children had only to decide if the face was male or female - processing the emotion on the face was incidental. 

As described, the children who had been exposed to violence at home showed increased brain activity in the anterior insula and amygdala in response to the angry faces. The researchers stated that "The next step for us is to try and understand how stable these changes are. Not every child exposed to family violence will go on to develop a mental health problem; many bounce back and lead successful lives. We want to know much more about those mechanisms that help some children become resilient." 

This study is perhaps unsurprising. However, when I came across it, I thought it was a powerful and poignant reminder of just how much we, as parents, need to be aware of our interactions with our children. Consistent violence exposure causes their brains to function as if they were combat soldiers.